Ghazali on pride
Imam Ghazali’s book, Kitaab Al-Arba’in Fi Usul ad-Din, ‘The Forty Principles of the Religion,’ which he wrote before his death, is a summary of Ihya Ulumuddin, and his life’s works and thoughts.
In the chapters on purification of the heart, Ghazali mentions 10 principles. Pride is the eight principle.
If we look at the world today and throughout history, arrogance and inflated egos of power-hungry leaders have caused endless bloodshed and wars and promoted collective arrogance in the form of nationalism, jingoism and racism.
Shakespeare said:
He that is proud eats up himself: pride is his own glass, his own trumpet, his own chronicle. (Troilus and Cressida 2:3)
Ghazali
By being close to Allah you will save your akhirah. For this reason, Ghazali focuses on tazkiya (purification of the heart) due to the importance of the heart in receiving the light and mercy from Allah. In the Quran, it is stated:
Allah seals the heart of every conceited, haughty person. (40:35)
This ayah shows very clearly that the heart of the arrogant person becomes sealed and does not receive divine light or mercy, unless the person repents and asks for forgiveness and then Allah Almighty will open the way for him to come back.
The worst destination is arrogance (kibr)
Wretched is the abode of the arrogant (39:72, 40:76)
The one who has arrogance(kibr) is Mutakabir and there are many verses in the Quran, as well as hadith, which show the danger of this trait. In a Hadith Qudsi, Allah Almighty said:
Might is my lower garment. Haughtiness is my upper garment. Whoever contends with me for them, I will break him. (Muslim)
Of course Allah Almighty has no garment, but through this metaphor He is showing that it is haram for mankind to have this quality. It belongs rightfully to Allah who possesses two types of trait – those which are Jamali (related to His beauty) such as Ar Rahman (The Most Merciful), Al Ghafoor (The Great Forgiver), Al Wadood (The Most Loving), and Al Kareem (The Most Generous) as well as those which are Jalali (related to His majesty and might) such as Al Aziz (All Mighty), Al Jabar (The Compeller) and Al Mutakabir (The Supreme).
Arrogance can ruin your goodness and akhirah.
No one can compete with Allah, particularly when it comes to having pride. If anyone stupidly does, Allah will break him. In the most famous narration related to kibr, it prevents one entering Jannah
Whoever has a particle’s weight of pride in his heart will not enter Paradise. (Muslim)
And they will incur Allah’s wrath:
The one who is arrogant within himself or swaggers conceitedly wil meet Allah with His wrath upon him. (Al Hakim)
All those who are inflated in the dunya by arrogance, will be cut down to size. As Ghazali quoted the Prophet (peace be on him) from a sound narration:
The haughty and the conceited will be gathered on the Day of Resurrection as pulverised bits which people will trample on. This will be because of their lowliness. (Musnad Bazzar)
As well as suffer the pain of Allah cutting them off from Himself:
Allah will not look at a person who drags his garment out of conceit. (Bukhari and Muslim)
It is very prohibited to have any kibr, so the Prophet (peace be on him) sought Allah’s aid in staying free of it, he would make the du’a:
I seek refuge in You from pride swelling within me. (Ibn Hibban and Abu Dawood)
Humility paradoxically promotes you
The opposite of arrogance is humility (tawadu). Those who have humility will be rewarded by being elevated.
Allah does not increase a slave’s clemency without increasing his dignity likewise. There is no one who humbles himself for Allah’s sake except that Allah raises him up. (Muslim)
Moreover people of real humility are loved the most in any community. They are the sweetest people. Whereas, people of arrogance are the most detested and people do not enjoy their company. Though they are often surrounded by people, those people are there for benefit and self-interest and rarely because they like that person, so they are hypocrites.
There is good news for the one who is humble, without putting himself in misery.
Verily humility does not increase the salve in anything but elevation. (Ar-Rabi)
I am pleased with the man who carries a thing in his hand in order to serve his family as a way of repelling pride from himself. (Ibn Abi’d Dunya)
It is a sign of pride people that they do not like to carry things. They like to have their things carried for them. Nor do they help around the house, do chores or clean. They feel they are above that. This is a sign of arrogance. The Prophet (peace be on him) used to help with the house chores. He would sit on the floor, and he would carry his belongings. Humility characterised him.
Even though he was given the choice to be a messenger who was a king and a messenger who was just like ordinary people, he chose to be the Servant of Allah, among humble people, unlike Prophet Suleman, who was a messenger and a king. Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said:
Jibril was sitting with the Prophet (peace be on him) looking towards the sky, when he saw an angel. So Jibril said to him: Indeed, this angel has never descended before today. So when the angel had descended, he said: O Muhammad! I have been sent by your Lord (to inquire) whether He should make you a Prophet-King or a Slave-Messenger. (Ahmad)
We have no right to compete with Allah
The worst aspect of kibr is to compete with Allah, as the reality is that we are powerless and have no power over own affairs, let alone the affairs of others. A person of arrogance has no sense of awe when they hear Allah’s verses recited. Allah brought us out of non-existence, and He reminds us so many times in the Quran that He created us from dust, and from a drop of sperm.
Disdaining others when you have no right to
The second aspect of arrogance is denying the truth and disdaining creation. When you think you are better than others. It is to look down at others, to believe that you are better, to expect others to treat you with veneration, while you treat them with disdain. The internal aspect is in the heart because you overvalue yourself, you think you are beyond fault but in reality your perception is flawed. There are varying shades of narcissism, and it can be selective, so that you show this attitude to certain people or types of people. It could be your qualifications, your profession, your ethnicity, your family, your wealth or your accent that makes you feel superior to others who do not have the same background or worldly status as you. Kibr is sometimes what you feel when the person next to you smells bad, and it makes you feel better than them. The reality is that despite their odour, they might be better than you. Allah knows. You do not know the status of their heart. They might a hidden gem, a hidden awliyah.
I know of a lady who bought herself an expensive dress and had invited her friends over. When she looked out of her window and saw that her guest had arrived outside, wearing the same dress, she quickly removed it and gave it to her maid to wear and told her maid to receive her guests in it. She wanted to upstage them, and show that she was better than them. To send the signal: my maid is wearing what you are wearing! It is the action of a filthy heart. I feel pity for people who are like this. They have a internal issue with confidence. Why do you need to show that you are better than others? Is it not enough to be who you are, regardless of your clothes or family or qualifications? People should deal with you for you, not because you belong to a family or a company or tribe.
Arrogance is barrier to good qualities
The third aspect of arrogance is that it divorces you from healthy, beneficial traits. It is as if arrogance is the head of the body of sins. It leads to hypocrisy, lies, corruption and other sins. That is why the Prophet (peace be on him) made dua for protection against kibr. Be careful and keep monitoring yourself.
Kibr will not admit anyone to Jannah, because it means one feels they are better than others. However we are not the judges, but Allah who knows the true value of people. This is why Allah made his special people hidden and we have to show respect to everyone.
Being in the company of the arrogant is humiliating. They vibes you feel from them, their lack of respect for you, their demeanour which implies that you are just a fly is unnecessary and insulting. Some scholars have said they are afraid to look down at a dog, in case Allah turns them into a dog.
At the heart of it, the person who is arrogant cannot love for others what he loves for himself, as he puts himself above others. As narrated in hadith this is the quality of believer, as the Prophet (peace be on him) said:
None of you will believe until you love for your brother what you love for yourself. (Bukhari and Muslim)
You will not attain the highest level of imaan until you love for people what you love yourself. (Musnad Ahmad)
The gateway to bad traits
Kibr is related to perception and how you are perceived combined. It is about being competitive and needing to prove that you are better, and this drives you to other bad traits. It means you are always concerned about what others have and you develop other diseases of the heart. It leads to envy and anger. Kibr is a container for bad diseases. When you get rid of kibr and then the diseases will dissolve. It is a very visual way of showing how kibr relates to other evil diseases.
Signs of kibr
When you find it hard to apologise to others, when you cannot sit on the floor, these are signs that you are arrogant. Arrogant people are harsh when they give advice; they are in your face, and they cannot be kind. We are all like that sometimes so we need to monitor ourselves.
Hidden arrogance
The arrogant person cannot be always be spotted easily. It can be subtle and it can be the trait of the one praying in the front row of the mosque. It can also be us, so we need to root it out. There are many steps on the ladder of arrogance. The higher you go, the harder it is to come down and the greater the fall.
Parents should inculcate humility in their children. Ask your loyal friends and they will tell you when you have arrogance. If you are surrounded by people who praise you all the time, they are hypocrites. You need loyal people around you, to help you see yourself in the mirrors.
Treat everyone with respect
There is no contradiction between treating people well and giving those who are certain positions with extra respect, for instance, you have to show kindness to all of Allah’s creation, whether it is a caretaker of the school, or a child, or a teacher, but you would show the headteacher extra respect due to them by virtue of their position.
People of status can be down to earth, it depends on their upbringing. When they have this quality they put others at ease and people warm to them.
If you are in a position where you have have maids or servants, then do not give them the clothes you would be embarrassed to wear yourself. It does not mean they are given the top designer clothes, but that they are not wearing clothes that you would throw in the bin.
Psychotherapy from the How to Keep your Heart Healthy Course
by Sister Rahma Abdulatif
Loneliness and depression
We are born into and live-in tribes and families. We work in groups, we love as couples, as children we love our parents and as parents we love our children, so we thrive on relationships, and the drive to connect is within all of us. However, we are seeing more loneliness, more depression, more broken relationships and more relational disconnections. So, then the question is; if we all have the ability, drive and the urge to connect then what is happening to us.
Being vulnerable
One of the things that we think in the world of psychology and psychotherapy is that being vulnerable is the driver of connection.
It is impossible to connect without being vulnerable, without trusting. But we tend to think that vulnerability is a sign of weakness, we want to be tough and strong, we harden up in order to protect ourselves from getting hurt. This is what happens in relationships, when we are vulnerable, we can get hurt, get taken advantage of, things happen in relationships.
Another idea is that we have so many theories of life these days: social constructionism, feminism etc. As women we take a different stance and men take a different stance, these different stances can make things difficult. When we close our vulnerabilities, we are protected from hurt but we are also prevented from intimate relationships and connection. Vulnerability allows for love, connectedness, connections, care. When you close the door of vulnerability you close it on all these different areas of your life.
Giving labels
Another trend we see is spouses reporting that their husbands or wives are narcissistic, this is a sad situation for the children. It is easy to give a diagnosis and maybe thinking about quick fixes, so when we are starting to think about these diseases of the heart, you need to have commitment to work on yourself, there are no quick fixes.
Diseases impact families and relationships, not just individuals
The Shaykh will talk about the impact of all these on ourselves, as a family therapist – I am going to think about it in terms of how these diseases have an impact on our relationships and our families.
We want to think about the impact of the diseases of the heart on those around us, your family, your wife, your husband, your children, your parents your siblings. We will look at this from a relational perspective.
What does taqwa look like?
Let us think about the times we are in, one of the reasons that Allah Subhanahu Wa Tallah has given us this month is that ‘you may acquire taqwa’, consciousness and righteousness. What I am looking for at the end of this verse is how does the manifestation of taqwa look like within our families. We can oppress people within our families, this is because we are most vulnerable within our families therefore – it becomes very easy to transgress against these close relationships.
What position do you take with regards to these diseases and how does that affect the people around you? What is your idea of acquiring taqwa and purifying yourself in context to your role within your family?
Well-done for joining the course but what do you intend to do next? What are your next steps? As you are listening, how are you listening?
You heard the Shaykh describe the characteristics of arrogance, were you able to identify these characteristics in people within your family, in your friends, someone close to you, or did you look for these characteristics in yourself?
I am inviting you to think about these descriptions and ask yourself where you are at.
It is good that we can identify these signs in those around us, which can be a positive. You can either help and support them so they can unlearn these behaviours and do something different, or you want to take a judge role – see how bad they are and how much better you are, or how unreligious they are and how religious you are).
Here is my 2nd invitation, as you listen to these descriptions – make the changes you need to and do it from a self-reflecting stance.
Cognition, emotion and behaviour
From our modern psychology we study human cognition, affect and behaviour. These three phenomena represent fundamental components of human experience. All these diseases impact us, so we experience them. These three things in modern psychology are so deeply connected to the Islamic message of self-purification. They are completely connected, Islam represents a system that is meant to transform us through cognition, emotion, and behaviour. We can achieve this through listening, reflecting and thinking so that we can live meaningful lives.
In our field of work, we study and learn about man searching for meaning. People are searching for meaning. Islam gives us a meaningful life.
Reflection means asking yourself questions like:
- Do I do this?
- When do I do this?
- When I do this, do I think about it?
- Do I know when I am doing this, or not aware I am doing this?
- What is the impact of this behaviour on myself and those around me?
- What does arrogance/vanity look like when it comes to our families?
The Cambridge dictionary definition of arrogance is: the quality of being unpleasant, proud and behaving as though you are more important than others/or know more than others.
Psychologists discuss these characteristics as having a massive impact on our mental health.
So, why is it that these diseases affect your mental health? Open questions to the group.
It distorts our sense of perspective, feeling of not being loved, very detrimental especially on children, fear of injustice, negativity, criticism, envy.
Social status
The reason we think that these characteristics impact our mental health is because all these illnesses that we are thinking about especially the first one that we discussed arrogance is deeply rooted in the idea of ‘our social status’.
The big headline is ‘how we are seen’. If how we are seen is so important it will trample on everybody else’s rights. It is going to trample even on people you care for and love. This is because, how you appear socially and what people think about you is very important.
Winning rather than relationships
When somebody has arrogance and pride in them what really matters for them is winning. It is not about relationships, there is no value in relationships. Arrogance prevents us from connecting as families; it really gets in the way for us to be together. We feel we are better than everyone else and the negativity of that pride prevents us from acknowledging our human vulnerabilities. Arrogance is shame-driven, we become too uncomfortable to apologise. So, when arrogance rules we believe we are always right, and it becomes very difficult to sustain intimate relationships.
Feeling unappreciated
You can talk to people who have been together for years, but they feel unappreciated because the other person never apologises, they feel they are superior and above the other person, this impacts relationships negatively. That is what I would really like us to think about, how do these behaviours disconnect us within our families.
Vanity
Then we think about vanity, again it is external. It’s something about physical appearances, about achievements, an inflated self-view, willingness to incur personal costs even though it is painful, because this is how we want to be seen, this really gets in the way of relationships.
Possible ways of thinking when the Shaykh is speaking, we could start by asking ourselves questions:
- Do I do this?
- What am I doing as far as my behaviours are concerned?
- What are my habits that fall into the descriptions the Shaykh is giving?
- How can I be confident without being arrogant? Because we can confuse the two things. Sometimes people are confident, and we say they are arrogant.
- How can I develop confidence in my children without being arrogant?
- My many insecurities have made my ego in me big, how can I become better and more down to earth as a person?
- Why I am arrogant? I have already given you a clue; there is a lot of insecurities in people who are arrogant.
Once you ask yourself these questions, doing nothing and carrying on as you are is not an option. You can choose to do nothing and be sure you will be asked about why you attended these sessions.
You might want to do something about it this is because inaction affects your mental health. How? When you know something needs your attention and don’t do anything about it, you start to develop these depressive feelings. You can feel lethargic; maybe not feeling good about yourself because you know you need to change something in your life.
Initiate Change
Set yourself a target, the Shaykh spoke about arrogance, there were a lot of descriptions he provided, we have the slides, pick one aspect you want to change. Maybe something you do twice a week, reduce this to once a week and eventually you inshallah will stop. Think about what you can do differently, and how you can bring about these changes. What I am doing and what can I do more of to get the outcome I want? Let us not point fingers at other people in our families, if you think you have that characteristic yourself, then you change yourself because we know change has a domino effect, once you make changes, you will see changes in other around you.
May Allah grant us the motivation to work on ourselves for our own benefit and for the benefit of our connectedness within our families. Ameen.
Shaykh Haytham Tamim – The Thursday Al Ghazali Class
Additional notes on the psychotherapy on love of dunya by Sister Rahma Abdul Latif delivered at the How to Keep your Heart Healthy Course, transcribed by F. Qadir.
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Imam Ghazali’s book, Kitaab Al-Arba’in Fi Usul ad-Din, ‘The Forty Principles of the Religion,’ which he wrote before his death, is a summary of Ihya Ulumuddin, and his life’s works and thoughts.
In the chapters on purification of the heart, Ghazali mentions 10 principles. Pride is the eight principle.
If we look at the world today and throughout history, arrogance and inflated egos of power-hungry leaders have caused endless bloodshed and wars and promoted collective arrogance in the form of nationalism, jingoism and racism.
Shakespeare said:
He that is proud eats up himself: pride is his own glass, his own trumpet, his own chronicle. (Troilus and Cressida 2:3)
Ghazali
By being close to Allah you will save your akhirah. For this reason, Ghazali focuses on tazkiya (purification of the heart) due to the importance of the heart in receiving the light and mercy from Allah. In the Quran, it is stated:
Allah seals the heart of every conceited, haughty person. (40:35)
This ayah shows very clearly that the heart of the arrogant person becomes sealed and does not receive divine light or mercy, unless the person repents and asks for forgiveness and then Allah Almighty will open the way for him to come back.
The worst destination is arrogance (kibr)
Wretched is the abode of the arrogant (39:72, 40:76)
The one who has arrogance(kibr) is Mutakabir and there are many verses in the Quran, as well as hadith, which show the danger of this trait. In a Hadith Qudsi, Allah Almighty said:
Might is my lower garment. Haughtiness is my upper garment. Whoever contends with me for them, I will break him. (Muslim)
Of course Allah Almighty has no garment, but through this metaphor He is showing that it is haram for mankind to have this quality. It belongs rightfully to Allah who possesses two types of trait – those which are Jamali (related to His beauty) such as Ar Rahman (The Most Merciful), Al Ghafoor (The Great Forgiver), Al Wadood (The Most Loving), and Al Kareem (The Most Generous) as well as those which are Jalali (related to His majesty and might) such as Al Aziz (All Mighty), Al Jabar (The Compeller) and Al Mutakabir (The Supreme).
Arrogance can ruin your goodness and akhirah.
No one can compete with Allah, particularly when it comes to having pride. If anyone stupidly does, Allah will break him. In the most famous narration related to kibr, it prevents one entering Jannah
Whoever has a particle’s weight of pride in his heart will not enter Paradise. (Muslim)
And they will incur Allah’s wrath:
The one who is arrogant within himself or swaggers conceitedly wil meet Allah with His wrath upon him. (Al Hakim)
All those who are inflated in the dunya by arrogance, will be cut down to size. As Ghazali quoted the Prophet (peace be on him) from a sound narration:
The haughty and the conceited will be gathered on the Day of Resurrection as pulverised bits which people will trample on. This will be because of their lowliness. (Musnad Bazzar)
As well as suffer the pain of Allah cutting them off from Himself:
Allah will not look at a person who drags his garment out of conceit. (Bukhari and Muslim)
It is very prohibited to have any kibr, so the Prophet (peace be on him) sought Allah’s aid in staying free of it, he would make the du’a:
I seek refuge in You from pride swelling within me. (Ibn Hibban and Abu Dawood)
Humility paradoxically promotes you
The opposite of arrogance is humility (tawadu). Those who have humility will be rewarded by being elevated.
Allah does not increase a slave’s clemency without increasing his dignity likewise. There is no one who humbles himself for Allah’s sake except that Allah raises him up. (Muslim)
Moreover people of real humility are loved the most in any community. They are the sweetest people. Whereas, people of arrogance are the most detested and people do not enjoy their company. Though they are often surrounded by people, those people are there for benefit and self-interest and rarely because they like that person, so they are hypocrites.
There is good news for the one who is humble, without putting himself in misery.
Verily humility does not increase the salve in anything but elevation. (Ar-Rabi)
I am pleased with the man who carries a thing in his hand in order to serve his family as a way of repelling pride from himself. (Ibn Abi’d Dunya)
It is a sign of pride people that they do not like to carry things. They like to have their things carried for them. Nor do they help around the house, do chores or clean. They feel they are above that. This is a sign of arrogance. The Prophet (peace be on him) used to help with the house chores. He would sit on the floor, and he would carry his belongings. Humility characterised him.
Even though he was given the choice to be a messenger who was a king and a messenger who was just like ordinary people, he chose to be the Servant of Allah, among humble people, unlike Prophet Suleman, who was a messenger and a king. Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said:
Jibril was sitting with the Prophet (peace be on him) looking towards the sky, when he saw an angel. So Jibril said to him: Indeed, this angel has never descended before today. So when the angel had descended, he said: O Muhammad! I have been sent by your Lord (to inquire) whether He should make you a Prophet-King or a Slave-Messenger. (Ahmad)
We have no right to compete with Allah
The worst aspect of kibr is to compete with Allah, as the reality is that we are powerless and have no power over own affairs, let alone the affairs of others. A person of arrogance has no sense of awe when they hear Allah’s verses recited. Allah brought us out of non-existence, and He reminds us so many times in the Quran that He created us from dust, and from a drop of sperm.
Disdaining others when you have no right to
The second aspect of arrogance is denying the truth and disdaining creation. When you think you are better than others. It is to look down at others, to believe that you are better, to expect others to treat you with veneration, while you treat them with disdain. The internal aspect is in the heart because you overvalue yourself, you think you are beyond fault but in reality your perception is flawed. There are varying shades of narcissism, and it can be selective, so that you show this attitude to certain people or types of people. It could be your qualifications, your profession, your ethnicity, your family, your wealth or your accent that makes you feel superior to others who do not have the same background or worldly status as you. Kibr is sometimes what you feel when the person next to you smells bad, and it makes you feel better than them. The reality is that despite their odour, they might be better than you. Allah knows. You do not know the status of their heart. They might a hidden gem, a hidden awliyah.
I know of a lady who bought herself an expensive dress and had invited her friends over. When she looked out of her window and saw that her guest had arrived outside, wearing the same dress, she quickly removed it and gave it to her maid to wear and told her maid to receive her guests in it. She wanted to upstage them, and show that she was better than them. To send the signal: my maid is wearing what you are wearing! It is the action of a filthy heart. I feel pity for people who are like this. They have a internal issue with confidence. Why do you need to show that you are better than others? Is it not enough to be who you are, regardless of your clothes or family or qualifications? People should deal with you for you, not because you belong to a family or a company or tribe.
Arrogance is barrier to good qualities
The third aspect of arrogance is that it divorces you from healthy, beneficial traits. It is as if arrogance is the head of the body of sins. It leads to hypocrisy, lies, corruption and other sins. That is why the Prophet (peace be on him) made dua for protection against kibr. Be careful and keep monitoring yourself.
Kibr will not admit anyone to Jannah, because it means one feels they are better than others. However we are not the judges, but Allah who knows the true value of people. This is why Allah made his special people hidden and we have to show respect to everyone.
Being in the company of the arrogant is humiliating. They vibes you feel from them, their lack of respect for you, their demeanour which implies that you are just a fly is unnecessary and insulting. Some scholars have said they are afraid to look down at a dog, in case Allah turns them into a dog.
At the heart of it, the person who is arrogant cannot love for others what he loves for himself, as he puts himself above others. As narrated in hadith this is the quality of believer, as the Prophet (peace be on him) said:
None of you will believe until you love for your brother what you love for yourself. (Bukhari and Muslim)
You will not attain the highest level of imaan until you love for people what you love yourself. (Musnad Ahmad)
The gateway to bad traits
Kibr is related to perception and how you are perceived combined. It is about being competitive and needing to prove that you are better, and this drives you to other bad traits. It means you are always concerned about what others have and you develop other diseases of the heart. It leads to envy and anger. Kibr is a container for bad diseases. When you get rid of kibr and then the diseases will dissolve. It is a very visual way of showing how kibr relates to other evil diseases.
Signs of kibr
When you find it hard to apologise to others, when you cannot sit on the floor, these are signs that you are arrogant. Arrogant people are harsh when they give advice; they are in your face, and they cannot be kind. We are all like that sometimes so we need to monitor ourselves.
Hidden arrogance
The arrogant person cannot be always be spotted easily. It can be subtle and it can be the trait of the one praying in the front row of the mosque. It can also be us, so we need to root it out. There are many steps on the ladder of arrogance. The higher you go, the harder it is to come down and the greater the fall.
Parents should inculcate humility in their children. Ask your loyal friends and they will tell you when you have arrogance. If you are surrounded by people who praise you all the time, they are hypocrites. You need loyal people around you, to help you see yourself in the mirrors.
Treat everyone with respect
There is no contradiction between treating people well and giving those who are certain positions with extra respect, for instance, you have to show kindness to all of Allah’s creation, whether it is a caretaker of the school, or a child, or a teacher, but you would show the headteacher extra respect due to them by virtue of their position.
People of status can be down to earth, it depends on their upbringing. When they have this quality they put others at ease and people warm to them.
If you are in a position where you have have maids or servants, then do not give them the clothes you would be embarrassed to wear yourself. It does not mean they are given the top designer clothes, but that they are not wearing clothes that you would throw in the bin.
Psychotherapy from the How to Keep your Heart Healthy Course
by Sister Rahma Abdulatif
Loneliness and depression
We are born into and live-in tribes and families. We work in groups, we love as couples, as children we love our parents and as parents we love our children, so we thrive on relationships, and the drive to connect is within all of us. However, we are seeing more loneliness, more depression, more broken relationships and more relational disconnections. So, then the question is; if we all have the ability, drive and the urge to connect then what is happening to us.
Being vulnerable
One of the things that we think in the world of psychology and psychotherapy is that being vulnerable is the driver of connection.
It is impossible to connect without being vulnerable, without trusting. But we tend to think that vulnerability is a sign of weakness, we want to be tough and strong, we harden up in order to protect ourselves from getting hurt. This is what happens in relationships, when we are vulnerable, we can get hurt, get taken advantage of, things happen in relationships.
Another idea is that we have so many theories of life these days: social constructionism, feminism etc. As women we take a different stance and men take a different stance, these different stances can make things difficult. When we close our vulnerabilities, we are protected from hurt but we are also prevented from intimate relationships and connection. Vulnerability allows for love, connectedness, connections, care. When you close the door of vulnerability you close it on all these different areas of your life.
Giving labels
Another trend we see is spouses reporting that their husbands or wives are narcissistic, this is a sad situation for the children. It is easy to give a diagnosis and maybe thinking about quick fixes, so when we are starting to think about these diseases of the heart, you need to have commitment to work on yourself, there are no quick fixes.
Diseases impact families and relationships, not just individuals
The Shaykh will talk about the impact of all these on ourselves, as a family therapist – I am going to think about it in terms of how these diseases have an impact on our relationships and our families.
We want to think about the impact of the diseases of the heart on those around us, your family, your wife, your husband, your children, your parents your siblings. We will look at this from a relational perspective.
What does taqwa look like?
Let us think about the times we are in, one of the reasons that Allah Subhanahu Wa Tallah has given us this month is that ‘you may acquire taqwa’, consciousness and righteousness. What I am looking for at the end of this verse is how does the manifestation of taqwa look like within our families. We can oppress people within our families, this is because we are most vulnerable within our families therefore – it becomes very easy to transgress against these close relationships.
What position do you take with regards to these diseases and how does that affect the people around you? What is your idea of acquiring taqwa and purifying yourself in context to your role within your family?
Well-done for joining the course but what do you intend to do next? What are your next steps? As you are listening, how are you listening?
You heard the Shaykh describe the characteristics of arrogance, were you able to identify these characteristics in people within your family, in your friends, someone close to you, or did you look for these characteristics in yourself?
I am inviting you to think about these descriptions and ask yourself where you are at.
It is good that we can identify these signs in those around us, which can be a positive. You can either help and support them so they can unlearn these behaviours and do something different, or you want to take a judge role – see how bad they are and how much better you are, or how unreligious they are and how religious you are).
Here is my 2nd invitation, as you listen to these descriptions – make the changes you need to and do it from a self-reflecting stance.
Cognition, emotion and behaviour
From our modern psychology we study human cognition, affect and behaviour. These three phenomena represent fundamental components of human experience. All these diseases impact us, so we experience them. These three things in modern psychology are so deeply connected to the Islamic message of self-purification. They are completely connected, Islam represents a system that is meant to transform us through cognition, emotion, and behaviour. We can achieve this through listening, reflecting and thinking so that we can live meaningful lives.
In our field of work, we study and learn about man searching for meaning. People are searching for meaning. Islam gives us a meaningful life.
Reflection means asking yourself questions like:
- Do I do this?
- When do I do this?
- When I do this, do I think about it?
- Do I know when I am doing this, or not aware I am doing this?
- What is the impact of this behaviour on myself and those around me?
- What does arrogance/vanity look like when it comes to our families?
The Cambridge dictionary definition of arrogance is: the quality of being unpleasant, proud and behaving as though you are more important than others/or know more than others.
Psychologists discuss these characteristics as having a massive impact on our mental health.
So, why is it that these diseases affect your mental health? Open questions to the group.
It distorts our sense of perspective, feeling of not being loved, very detrimental especially on children, fear of injustice, negativity, criticism, envy.
Social status
The reason we think that these characteristics impact our mental health is because all these illnesses that we are thinking about especially the first one that we discussed arrogance is deeply rooted in the idea of ‘our social status’.
The big headline is ‘how we are seen’. If how we are seen is so important it will trample on everybody else’s rights. It is going to trample even on people you care for and love. This is because, how you appear socially and what people think about you is very important.
Winning rather than relationships
When somebody has arrogance and pride in them what really matters for them is winning. It is not about relationships, there is no value in relationships. Arrogance prevents us from connecting as families; it really gets in the way for us to be together. We feel we are better than everyone else and the negativity of that pride prevents us from acknowledging our human vulnerabilities. Arrogance is shame-driven, we become too uncomfortable to apologise. So, when arrogance rules we believe we are always right, and it becomes very difficult to sustain intimate relationships.
Feeling unappreciated
You can talk to people who have been together for years, but they feel unappreciated because the other person never apologises, they feel they are superior and above the other person, this impacts relationships negatively. That is what I would really like us to think about, how do these behaviours disconnect us within our families.
Vanity
Then we think about vanity, again it is external. It’s something about physical appearances, about achievements, an inflated self-view, willingness to incur personal costs even though it is painful, because this is how we want to be seen, this really gets in the way of relationships.
Possible ways of thinking when the Shaykh is speaking, we could start by asking ourselves questions:
- Do I do this?
- What am I doing as far as my behaviours are concerned?
- What are my habits that fall into the descriptions the Shaykh is giving?
- How can I be confident without being arrogant? Because we can confuse the two things. Sometimes people are confident, and we say they are arrogant.
- How can I develop confidence in my children without being arrogant?
- My many insecurities have made my ego in me big, how can I become better and more down to earth as a person?
- Why I am arrogant? I have already given you a clue; there is a lot of insecurities in people who are arrogant.
Once you ask yourself these questions, doing nothing and carrying on as you are is not an option. You can choose to do nothing and be sure you will be asked about why you attended these sessions.
You might want to do something about it this is because inaction affects your mental health. How? When you know something needs your attention and don’t do anything about it, you start to develop these depressive feelings. You can feel lethargic; maybe not feeling good about yourself because you know you need to change something in your life.
Initiate Change
Set yourself a target, the Shaykh spoke about arrogance, there were a lot of descriptions he provided, we have the slides, pick one aspect you want to change. Maybe something you do twice a week, reduce this to once a week and eventually you inshallah will stop. Think about what you can do differently, and how you can bring about these changes. What I am doing and what can I do more of to get the outcome I want? Let us not point fingers at other people in our families, if you think you have that characteristic yourself, then you change yourself because we know change has a domino effect, once you make changes, you will see changes in other around you.
May Allah grant us the motivation to work on ourselves for our own benefit and for the benefit of our connectedness within our families. Ameen.
Shaykh Haytham Tamim – The Thursday Al Ghazali Class
Additional notes on the psychotherapy on love of dunya by Sister Rahma Abdul Latif delivered at the How to Keep your Heart Healthy Course, transcribed by F. Qadir.
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Shaykh Haytham Tamim
Shaykh Haytham Tamim is the founder and main teacher of the Utrujj Foundation. He has provided a leading vision for Islamic learning in the UK, which has influenced the way Islamic knowledge is disseminated. He has orchestrated the design and delivery of over 200 unique courses since Utrujj started in 2001. His extensive expertise spans over 30 years across the main Islamic jurisprudence schools of thought. He has studied with some of the foremost scholars in their expertise; he holds some of the highest Ijazahs (certificates) in Quran, Hadith (the Prophetic traditions) and Fiqh (Islamic rulings). His own gift for teaching was evident when he gave his first sermon to a large audience at the age of 17 and went on to serve as a senior lecturer of Islamic transactions and comparative jurisprudence at the Islamic University of Beirut (Shariah College). He has continued to teach; travelling around the UK, Europe and wider afield, and won the 2015 BISCA award (British Imams & Scholars Contributions & Achievements Awards) for Outstanding Contribution to Education and Teaching.
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