Advice to newly weds on their wedding
Carry the flag of truth
When a couple gets married, it shows that a new generation is coming forward to carry the flag inshAllah ta’ala – the flag of leadership, the flag of carrying the truth, be beacons of light and knowledge, truthfulness and goodness in society.
You waited for this very moment for a long time, but until Allah decides, it’s not in our hands. No matter what we do, we try to have courage, but it’s in Allah’s hands. It fills our heart with joy to see the next generation taking on the journey.
Picking a companion to the afterlife
The Prophet ﷺ was very precise when he talked about what to choose when picking a marriage partner, because marriage is the journey to Allah Almighty. For this journey you need a good companion, because life is not just a collection of breaths and living, rather life is a bridge to the hereafter. That is why you need somebody on that journey whom you can lean on, rely on and share your concerns with, as well as your aspirations and your dreams.
1-Remind each other gently
My advice usually is you need to support one another on this journey. If he forgets some of his duties, she needs to remind him gently and vice versa, if she forgets some of her duties towards Allah, then he needs to remind her gently. This is how both spouses complement one another. Sometimes some people go into marriage as if they are going into the battlefield. They are charged. “Yes! I will win this battle!” But the truth is that it’s not meant to be a battle.
2-Men say ‘yes’ to your wife! Know when to compromise.
I once asked one of our uncles, who has been married for more than 50 years, how he kept his marriage lively and peaceful and he replied, ‘My son, I’ve learnt to say yes’ So here you go, the secret is to say ‘yes’! We pretend that we wear the trousers, but we need to say ‘yes, yes’, unless there’s something wrong of course.
3-Have a pure intention
Life is full of challenges. Of course the very difficult challenge is to find the right person. So alhamdulillah, we call this in Arabic tawfiq from Allah. Tawfiq is also related to the purity of your intention. When you have the right intention, and when you have a pure heart, then Allah will facilitate it for you to find a good wife or a good husband. Pure intention is key. To all the single people present, polish up your intention and do your homework, keep searching for the right companion, be realistic not idealistic and you will find her/him inshallah.
The Prophet ﷺ said that the best thing you will be given after imaan (faith) is a good wife. (Bayhaqi)
Why? Because she’s your shield. Whenever you go outside or come inside, you need a shield to protect you. Your wife or your husband is that shield. The Prophet ﷺ used to the word shield (wija’) for your and if you are single, then fasting is your shield.
Abdullah (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated:
We were with the Prophet (peace be upon him) while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah’s Apostle said, “O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting is wija’ a shield (diminishes his sexual power).” (Bukhari)
This is why fasting is your shield, because it diminishes your desire. You have a control over your desire. In Ramadan you can certainly see the impact of siyam on your body and desire.
4-Complement each other
When we have the right companion, it doesn’t mean that you will have 100% agreement on everything. It doesn’t work like that. You have two different creatures. Two different mindsets. They should complement one another, not compete with one another. This is my second advice – have a complementary agreement, not contradicting agreement. The moment you start competing, and contradicting each other, you lose it. You need to fill the gaps. Marriage is about filling the gaps for each other. Allah Almighty made marriage the halal way to fulfil your desire in the right manner and create a balance in your life between your spirit and your desire, between the ruh and jasad. This is what Allah created in our religion: the balance alhamdulillah.
5- Drive safely
The fifth advice is that as you are starting a new life, and while we definitely respect our parents, (we say put your parents on your head colloquially) , you are now in the driving seat. So you need to drive carefully. Whatever happens between you both should stay between you. It should not be divulged to your parents, with my respect to both parents. We need to create this independence, because this is what makes marriage secure and safe. Insha’Allah ta’ala.
6- The salt in the bread
The last advice, probably the most important advice, we might have disagreements sometimes, which is a common thing. It’s like the salt in bread. Make sure you have plenty of flour and a bit of salt. But don’t reverse it – don’t have plenty of salt and a bit of flour, because you will not have bread. You need some salt, that’s fine. Remember in marriage it’s not ‘My way or the highway’ or my opinion or no agreement. The shariah should always be the final judge. Always go back to what Allah azza wajal says, to what the Prophet ﷺ said, and shariah law. No one is above the shariah law. This is how we secure Allah’s pleasure and our pleasure. In this world and in the hereafter, inshallah.
Shaykh Haytham Tamim 14th May 2022. Transcribed by Zayna Sheikh
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