Narcissism and Islam
The word “narcissist” is now used so casually that it has almost lost meaning. It is easy to label someone who is rude, selfish, arrogant or bossy a narcissist. But that is not right.
Islam repeatedly stresses the importance of fairness and precision. So, Muslims should not casually diagnose people or reduce every difficult relationship to a psychological label.
Some people are immature. Some are selfish. Some are traumatised. Some are emotionally unhealthy. Others may genuinely display severe narcissistic patterns that deeply affect those around them.
This distinction matters because true narcissistic behaviour can be extremely damaging. People who live closely with highly narcissistic individuals often describe confusion, emotional exhaustion, self-doubt, walking on eggshells, and slowly losing confidence in their own judgment. The relationship may feel impossible to repair through normal communication.
This is where the problem lies – they approach narcissistic individuals using the advice usually given for healthy relationships: express your feelings, communicate honestly, explain how their behaviour affects you, assume goodwill, and work through problems together.
In healthy relationships, this advice is often beneficial. But with deeply narcissistic personalities, it may not work, and even backfire. In some cases, vulnerability becomes ammunition. Honest emotional expression may later be used against you. Boundaries may trigger retaliation, guilt, rage, silent treatment, or increased control.
This should not be confused with ordinary relationship difficulties. In many marriages, families, friendships, and workplaces, honest communication, humility, apology, and mutual understanding remain essential. The concern here is with persistent patterns of manipulation, entitlement, lack of accountability, and emotional harm.
Islamically, recognising this is not cynicism. It is part of wisdom.
What is narcissism?
Narcissism exists on a spectrum. Clinically, Narcissistic Personality Disorder involves persistent patterns such as grandiosity, entitlement, excessive need for admiration, manipulation, exploitation of others, lack of empathy, inability to tolerate criticism, and obsession with image, status, or control.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist known for her work on narcissistic abuse, often explains that narcissistic personalities are not defined simply by confidence or arrogance. The deeper concern is the chronic pattern: invalidation, control, blame-shifting, exploitation, lack of empathy, and refusal to take genuine responsibility.
In conversations and relationships, a narcissist will constantly revolve around their ego, needs, image, or emotions. You may notice that your feelings, achievements, struggles, or opinions are repeatedly dismissed, redirected, or overshadowed. If you raise a concern, the conversation somehow ends up becoming about how hurt they are instead.
Another common pattern is the inability to handle criticism or accountability well. Even calm, respectful feedback may trigger defensiveness, anger, blame-shifting, guilt-tripping, silent treatment, or victim-playing. Rather than sincerely reflecting, the person may rewrite events, deny obvious things, or make you feel guilty for raising the issue at all. Over time, you may begin questioning your own memory, judgment, or emotional reactions.
Narcissistic individuals may also behave very differently in public and private. In front of others they may appear charming, generous, spiritual, caring, or charismatic, while privately they belittle, manipulate, humiliate, ignore, or emotionally drain the people closest to them. This contrast often leaves others feeling isolated because nobody else sees the behaviour behind closed doors.
Another sign is inconsistency in how they treat people. They may idealise someone intensely at first with praise, attention, affection, or admiration, then later become cold, critical, dismissive, or cruel once the person no longer serves their emotional needs or challenges them in some way. Relationships can begin feeling emotionally unstable and confusing.
Why dealing with narcissists is so hard
Many people dealing with narcissistic personalities describe constantly “walking on eggshells.” They may become anxious about upsetting the person, disagreeing with them, setting boundaries, or even expressing normal emotions. The relationship slowly becomes centred around managing the narcissistic person’s moods, reactions, and ego.
One of the most important things to understand is that narcissistic people often experience relationships differently from emotionally healthy people. They may see vulnerability as weakness, disagreement as disrespect, boundaries as attacks, and accountability as humiliation.
This is why conversations with them can feel circular and destabilising. You may leave an interaction feeling confused, guilty, defensive, or emotionally drained, even when you approached the matter calmly.
Common experiences in narcissistic relationships
Over time, the other person may begin doubting themselves. They may question their memory, judgment, reactions, or emotional reality. This is one reason emotionally manipulative relationships can become so exhausting.
This usually does not happen overnight. It develops gradually through repeated patterns of manipulation and emotional instability.
One common experience is gaslighting. This is when a person repeatedly denies, twists, or rewrites reality in ways that make others doubt their own memory or judgment. A narcissistic person may deny conversations that clearly happened, minimise hurtful behaviour, or insist that the other person is “too sensitive,” “crazy,” or “imagining things.” Over time, the other person may begin relying more on the narcissist’s version of reality than their own instincts.
Another common pattern is devaluation. The narcissistic person may make subtle insults, humiliating comments, comparisons, or dismissive remarks that slowly damage confidence and self-worth. Sometimes this is done openly, but often it happens quietly and repeatedly over time. The person may target insecurities deliberately while maintaining plausible deniability.
Emotional neglect and dismissal are also common. The narcissistic person may show little genuine interest in another person’s emotional needs unless it directly affects them. Conversations may constantly return back to them, their image, or their problems. Important feelings may be ignored, mocked, or brushed aside. A person can begin feeling invisible even while constantly giving emotional energy to the relationship.
Manipulation and guilt-based control are also frequent patterns. The narcissistic person may use guilt, shame, obligation, religion, loyalty, family honour, or emotional pressure to maintain influence over others. Boundaries may be treated as betrayal, and saying “no” may trigger anger, silent treatment, or emotional punishment.
Over time, these patterns can leave a person anxious, emotionally drained, hypervigilant, and disconnected from their own sense of identity. Many begin suppressing their feelings, constantly seeking approval, or organising their life around avoiding conflict and managing the narcissistic person’s reactions.
Narcissism and arrogance in the Qur’an
The Qur’an repeatedly warns against arrogance, domination, contempt for others, and self-glorification. Fir‘awn exhibits narcissistic traits.
The Qur’an conveys his hubris.
فَقَالَ أَنَا رَبُّكُمُ الْأَعْلَىٰ
“He said: I am your highest lord.” (Surah an-Nazi‘at 79:24)
Fir‘awn needed to assert his superiority over his people. He could not tolerate his status being challenged. His behaviour illustrates patterns that modern psychology recognises in extreme narcissistic behaviour: grandiosity, domination, manipulation, image protection, and lack of humility.
In Surat ash-Shu’ara, we see how he manipulated public opinion, distorted reality, and reframed Musa (peace be upon him) as the problem. He said:
إِنَّ هَٰذَا لَسَاحِرٌ عَلِيمٌ • يُرِيدُ أَنْ يُخْرِجَكُم مِّنْ أَرْضِكُم
“This is surely a skilled magician who wants to drive you from your land.”
(Surah ash-Shu‘ara 26:34–35)
This reflects a common manipulative tactic: portraying oneself as the victim while making the truthful person appear dangerous, unstable, disloyal, or harmful.
Fir‘awn also weaponised history emotionally. He said to Musa (peace be upon him):
أَلَمْ نُرَبِّكَ فِينَا وَلِيدًا
“Did we not raise you among us as a child?”
(Surah ash-Shu‘ara 26:18)
In modern language, this resembles guilt manipulation: “After everything I did for you, how dare you challenge me?”
The issue was no longer truth or justice. The conversation was redirected towards emotional control.
How Musa (peace be upon him) dealt with Fir‘awn
One of the most striking lessons in the story is the composure of Musa (peace be upon him).
Allah commanded Musa and Harun (peace be upon them):
فَقُولَا لَهُ قَوْلًا لَّيِّنًا
“Speak to him gently.”
(Surah Ta-Ha 20:44)
Gentleness here does not mean emotional surrender or weakness. Musa (peace be upon him) was firm, clear, and courageous. But he did not become emotionally chaotic in response to Fir‘awn’s provocations.
This matters because narcissistic personalities often pull others into emotional reactivity. They provoke, distort, accuse, interrupt, guilt-trip, and derail conversations until the other person becomes overwhelmed. Once that happens, they may use the emotional reaction itself as evidence that the other person is unstable or unreasonable.
Musa (peace be upon him) remained connected to truth rather than becoming trapped in emotional spirals.
He also did not seek validation from Fir‘awn. This is one of the hardest lessons for people dealing with narcissistic individuals. Many exhaust themselves trying to make the other person finally understand their pain, admit wrongdoing, or respond with empathy.
But severely narcissistic personalities may lack the willingness, humility, or emotional capacity for this kind of accountability.
Radical acceptance
Dr. Ramani Durvasula and others speak about “radical acceptance.” Radical acceptance does not mean approving harmful behaviour. It means accepting reality as it is rather than clinging to fantasies about who the person might someday become.
Sometimes people remain emotionally trapped because they keep approaching the narcissistic person as though they are functioning like a healthy, emotionally reciprocal individual. They repeatedly explain their feelings, hope for empathy, and expect mutual understanding. When this repeatedly fails, they become more distressed.
Acceptance means recognising that this person may not validate you properly. They may not sincerely admit wrongdoing. They may continue manipulating conversations. They may not respond safely to vulnerability. Ordinary communication strategies may not work reliably where manipulation and lack of accountability are deeply entrenched.
This kind of acceptance can reduce emotional suffering because it stops the endless cycle of hoping for emotional responses the person is unwilling to give.
Acceptance does not mean tolerating abuse, abandoning justice, or refusing necessary distance. It means seeing reality clearly so that your response is wise rather than wishful.
Does emotional detachment fit with Islam?
Some people worry that emotional detachment sounds un-Islamic or cold-hearted. But there is an important difference between emotional wisdom and emotional hardness. Islam does not command believers to expose themselves endlessly to manipulation, humiliation, or psychological harm. The believer is merciful, but not naive – compassionate, but not blind.
The Prophet ﷺ dealt differently with different people. He recognised hypocrisy, manipulation, arrogance, and harmful behaviour. He was wise in how much trust he placed in people and how he engaged with them.
عَنْ عَائِشَةَ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهَا أَنَّهَا قَالَتْ:
اسْتَأْذَنَ رَجُلٌ عَلَى النَّبِيِّ ﷺ فَقَالَ:
«ائْذَنُوا لَهُ، بِئْسَ أَخُو الْعَشِيرَةِ، أَوِ ابْنُ الْعَشِيرَةِ»
فَلَمَّا دَخَلَ أَلَانَ لَهُ الْكَلَامَ.
فَقُلْتُ: يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ، قُلْتَ مَا قُلْتَ، ثُمَّ أَلَنْتَ لَهُ فِي الْقَوْلِ؟
فَقَالَ:
«يَا عَائِشَةُ، إِنَّ شَرَّ النَّاسِ مَنْزِلَةً عِنْدَ اللَّهِ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ، مَنْ تَرَكَهُ النَّاسُ اتِّقَاءَ شَرِّهِ»
A man sought permission to enter upon the Prophet ﷺ, so he said:
“Allow him in. What an evil man among his people,” or “What an evil son of his people.”
But when the man entered, the Prophet ﷺ spoke to him gently.
So I said: “O Messenger of Allah, you said what you said about him, then you spoke gently to him?”
He ﷺ replied:
“O Aisha, indeed the worst people in rank before Allah on the Day of Resurrection are those whom people leave or avoid because of their evil.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
Emotional detachment means refusing to let another person control your emotional stability completely. It means not depending on them for validation, not becoming consumed by their moods, not revealing every vulnerability to someone who weaponises vulnerability, not allowing endless arguments to drain your peace, and preserving your inner stability before Allah Almighty.
This can be especially important in relationships that cannot easily be severed, such as parents, co-parents, extended family, in-laws, work relationships, or unavoidable community situations.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
لَا يَدْخُلُ الْجَنَّةَ قَاطِعُ رَحِمٍ
“The one who severs the ties of kinship will not enter Paradise.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
When it comes to difficult relationships, maintaining ties does not always mean emotional overexposure. A person may fulfil obligations while still protecting themselves wisely. They may remain respectful without being emotionally available for manipulation. They may keep contact measured, calm, and limited where necessary.
Allah Almighty says:
وَإِذَا خَاطَبَهُمُ الْجَاهِلُونَ قَالُوا سَلَامًا
“When the ignorant address them harshly, they respond with words of peace.”
(Surah al-Furqan 25:63)
This reflects restraint. It is a refusal to descend into destructive conflict.
Boundaries with narcissists
We often hear that we should have clear boundaries, however boundaries work with healthy people, who can engage in honest communication. With narcissistic personalities, boundaries may trigger escalation because boundaries threaten control.
This is why people are often shocked after trying textbook communication strategies. They expected understanding but instead faced rage, guilt manipulation, mockery, emotional punishment, silent treatment, denial, retaliation, or victim-playing. Wisdom therefore becomes essential.
Sometimes less emotional explanation is healthier than more. Not every feeling needs to be fully exposed to someone who repeatedly uses emotional honesty against the other. This does not mean becoming deceptive. It means becoming discerning.
Part of emotional maturity is recognising who is safe with vulnerability, who respects honesty, who uses information responsibly, and who repeatedly distorts or exploits openness. This is why we vary our approach to people taking into account their different mentalities, temperaments, capacities and understanding
The Prophet ﷺ said:
إِذَا صَلَّى أَحَدُكُمْ لِلنَّاسِ فَلْيُخَفِّفْ، فَإِنَّ فِيهِمُ الضَّعِيفَ وَالسَّقِيمَ وَالْكَبِيرَ، وَإِذَا صَلَّى أَحَدُكُمْ لِنَفْسِهِ فَلْيُطَوِّلْ مَا شَاءَ
“When one of you leads the people in prayer, let him make it light, for among them are the weak, the sick and the elderly. But when one of you prays by himself, let him lengthen it as much as he wishes.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
Sincerity does not require self-destruction
In unavoidable relationships, boundaries may need to become practical rather than emotional. This may include limiting the length of conversations, avoiding sensitive topics, refusing circular arguments, keeping communication brief, involving a third party when needed, or creating distance without unnecessary drama.
One of the greatest dangers in narcissistic relationships is becoming psychologically consumed by them. The person may dominate your thoughts, emotions, identity, and sense of worth.
When people become trapped emotionally, they may begin orbiting entirely around the narcissistic person. They try to manage their moods, avoid triggering them, chase approval, analyse every interaction, crave validation, and constantly defend themselves. This slowly erodes inner peace. One of the aims of Islam is sakinah (tranquillity).
Peace and security are an essential component of worship. When a person is constantly living in fear, anxiety, or emotional turmoil, it becomes harder for them to worship with presence and connect deeply with Allah Almighty. This is why protecting one’s safety, sanity, and tranquillity is not selfish; it can be part of preserving one’s ability to worship Allah with a sound heart. Your peace cannot depend entirely on their transformation.
Part of healing is rebuilding emotional independence and avoiding bitterness. The believer remembers that human beings are limited. Some people will never fully understand your pain. Some will never apologise sincerely. Some will distort reality to protect their ego until the very end.
Do narcissistic people recognise their behaviour?
Some narcissistic individuals have very little genuine insight into their behaviour. Others may intellectually recognise what they are doing but still justify it, minimise it, or feel entitled to it. A few can develop more insight over time, especially if they sincerely seek help and are willing to face uncomfortable truths about themselves.
One of the difficulties with narcissism is that the ego is often heavily defended. Admitting fault may feel deeply threatening to the person’s self-image. So instead of processing criticism normally, they may:
- deny
- rationalise
- blame-shift
- minimise
- rewrite events
- portray themselves as the victim
- attack the person confronting them
This does not always happen consciously in a calculated way. Sometimes the person genuinely experiences events through a distorted lens shaped by ego, insecurity, shame, or the need to protect their self-image.
This is why people dealing with narcissistic personalities often become exhausted trying to “make them understand.” The issue is not always lack of intelligence. It is often lack of humility, emotional honesty, or willingness to tolerate shame and accountability.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula often explains that many narcissistic individuals may understand consequences more than empathy. In other words, they may recognise “people are upset with me” without truly processing “I deeply harmed them.”
Islamically, this is very important because the Qur’an repeatedly connects arrogance with refusal to truly see oneself honestly. At times, a person may partially recognise the truth internally while still resisting it outwardly because of pride or ego. Allah Almighty says regarding Fir‘awn and his people:
وَجَحَدُوا بِهَا وَاسْتَيْقَنَتْهَا أَنفُسُهُمْ ظُلْمًا وَعُلُوًّا
“They rejected them, while their own selves were convinced of them, out of ظلم and arrogance.”
(Surah an-Naml 27:14)
This does not mean people cannot change. Islam never closes the door of tawbah. But genuine change usually requires humility, self-awareness, emotional honesty, and willingness to accept correction. These are often the very qualities that severe narcissism resists most strongly.
Empathetic people get drawn in
One pattern that psychologists and counsellors often observe is that deeply narcissistic personalities may be drawn towards highly empathetic people, rescuers, or those who feel responsible for fixing others. Such individuals may be patient, forgiving, emotionally generous, and willing to repeatedly overlook harmful behaviour in the hope that love, sacrifice, or understanding will eventually change the other person. In unhealthy dynamics, this can slowly become a source of ongoing emotional supply for the narcissistic person, who may depend on admiration, attention, control, reassurance, or emotional access from others. Islam encourages mercy, compassion, and empathy, but all qualities must remain in balance. When empathy loses balance, a person may begin abandoning their own wellbeing completely, tolerating ongoing harm while believing that enduring everything is righteousness. Over time this can become a form of dhulm (oppression), including oppression against one’s own self. Islam does not praise self-destruction. The believer is not required to sacrifice their emotional, mental, spiritual, or physical safety in order to continuously rescue someone unwilling to change.
Self doubt and being trapped in a cycle
Many people remain trapped in narcissistic relationships because the harm is often mixed with moments of affection, attention, apology, or temporary change. This creates confusion and hope that things are finally improving. The person may receive just enough reassurance to stay emotionally invested, even though the deeper pattern remains unchanged.
Over time, this cycle can make someone doubt their own judgment and minimise the seriousness of the harm. Recognising repeated patterns clearly is therefore important.
We see the example of Fir‘awn: when punishment came, he repeatedly asked Musa (peace be upon him) to call upon Allah to remove it, promising that he would let Bani Isra’il go. But when the punishment was lifted, he broke his promise:
فَلَمَّا كَشَفْنَا عَنْهُمُ الرِّجْزَ إِلَىٰ أَجَلٍ هُم بَالِغُوهُ إِذَا هُمْ يَنكُثُونَ
“But when We removed the punishment from them for a term which they were to reach, they broke their word.”
(Surah al-A‘raf 7:135)
This shows a similar manipulative pattern – temporary softening, promise, relief, then return to the same behaviour. The Qur’an does not use the modern language of “breadcrumbing,” but it does show how manipulative people may offer temporary promises or signs of change when under pressure, only to return to the same behaviour once the pressure is removed.
Those who reinforce narcissistic behaviour
Narcissistic personalities may also surround themselves with people who constantly admire, defend, or validate them while reacting negatively towards those who question, challenge, or disagree with them. Over time, this can create unhealthy dynamics where loyalty becomes more valued than honesty, and flattery is rewarded more than sincerity. In families, this may appear through favouritism, while others are constantly criticised or blamed.
The Qur’an presents Fir‘awn frequently alongside his chiefs, leaders, and supporters who reinforced his arrogance and helped preserve his authority. Allah Almighty says:
فَاسْتَخَفَّ قَوْمَهُ فَأَطَاعُوهُ
“So he manipulated his people, and they obeyed him.”
(Surah az-Zukhruf 43:54)
Again and again, Fir‘awn’s inner circle supported him, validated him, and followed him despite the clear truth brought by Musa (peace be upon him). Islam therefore warns against excessive flattery, personality cults, and surrendering one’s judgment entirely to charismatic or powerful individuals.
Duas for dealing with narcissists
اللَّهُمَّ لَا تُسَلِّطْ عَلَيْنَا مَنْ لَا يَرْحَمُنَا، وَلَا يَخَافُكَ فِينَا.
Allahumma laa tusaLlit alayna man laa yarhamUna wa laa yakhaafuka feena
Oh God, do not give power over us to those who do not have mercy on us and will not fear You with regard to us.
وَ اُفَوِّضُ اَمْرِیْۤ اِلَى اللّٰهِؕ-اِنَّ اللّٰهَ بَصِیْرٌۢ بِالْعِبَادِ
Wa ufawwidu amri ila Allah; inna Allaha basirun bil-‘ibad.
And I entrust my matter to God – for God is All-Seeing of His servants.
Domestic abuse
If emotional abuse is escalating, becoming psychologically destructive, isolating, threatening, coercive, or physically unsafe, a person should seek support and not suffer alone in silence. Emotional abuse can deeply damage a person’s mental and spiritual wellbeing and, in some cases, may escalate into physical violence. In the UK, support can be sought through the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247, which operates 24 hours a day. Seeking help, safety, support, or protection is not a failure of sabr or tawakkul. Islam does not command people to remain trapped in ongoing harm without seeking a path towards safety, dignity, and justice.
Narcissism should not be treated as a fashionable insult or casual label. But genuinely narcissistic behaviour can deeply damage individuals, families, and communities.
Islam teaches us to have wisdom and compassion, without allowing themselves to be emotionally exploited. We cannot change others, but we can preserve our own soul, and ask Allah Almighty for His help and support.
Reviewed by and contributed to by Ayesha Khatun. Pgdip and MA Counselling and Psychotherapy.
Further resources
- Otto Kernberg — Weill Cornell profile: https://vivo.weill.cornell.edu/display/cwid-okernber
Useful for clinical work on narcissistic pathology and personality disorders. (vivo.weill.cornell.edu) - Heinz Kohut — Britannica profile: https://www.britannica.com/biography/Heinz-Kohut
Useful for self psychology and developmental understandings of narcissism. (Encyclopedia Britannica) - Dr Ramani Durvasula — Official website: https://doctor-ramani.com/
Useful for narcissistic relationships, emotional abuse, gaslighting and recovery. (Doctor Ramani) - Dr Ramani’s books — https://doctor-ramani.com/resources/books/
It’s Not You and Don’t You Know Who I Am? (Doctor Ramani) - APA podcast with Dr Ramani — https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/narcissism
Good accessible resource on recognising narcissism. (American Psychological Association) - Craig Malkin — Official website: https://www.drcraigmalkin.com/
Useful for relationship-focused work on narcissism. (Dr. Craig Malkin) - Craig Malkin, Rethinking Narcissism — HarperCollins page: https://www.harpercollins.com/products/rethinking-narcissism-dr-craig-malkin
Good for the spectrum of narcissism and “healthy narcissism” framing. (HarperCollins) - W. Keith Campbell — University of Georgia profile: https://psychology.uga.edu/directory/people/w-keith-campbell
Academic researcher on narcissism, personality and the self. (Department of Psychology) - W. Keith Campbell — Google Scholar: https://scholar.google.com/citations?hl=en&user=Ia70AMcAAAAJ
Best link for his academic publications. (scholar.google.com)
These resources are intended for education and self-awareness, not for casually diagnosing others. Serious concerns involving emotional abuse, coercive control, or mental health should be discussed with qualified and trustworthy professionals.
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