How to deal with interference by parents and in-laws within marriage
One of the most painful realities within many Muslim families today, particularly in South Asian and Middle Eastern cultures, is the interference of parents and in-laws in their children’s marriages. Whether it’s choosing a spouse, managing the relationship, or raising grandchildren, this interference often goes beyond well-meaning advice and becomes a cause of long-term damage to individuals and families. Islam, however, provides a clear and balanced framework that recognises both the rights of parents and the autonomy of adult children, especially in matters as personal and life-changing as marriage.
A forced marriage is not considered valid
In the first place, parents are not permitted to force their sons or daughters to marry against their will. Forced marriages are haram in Islam. The Prophet ﷺ declared:
Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:
“A previously married woman should not be married until she is consulted, and a virgin should not be married until her permission is sought.” (Sahih Bukhari and Sahih Muslim)
Leading scholars have affirmed this position. Imam al-Nawawi of the Shafi‘i school stated, “This hadith clearly shows that neither the virgin nor the previously married woman may be forced into marriage. This is our view and the view of the majority.” (Sharh al-Nawawi on Sahih Muslim). Imam Ibn Qudamah of the Hanbali school added,
“If a virgin adult woman is forced into marriage without her consent, the marriage is not valid.” (Al-Mughni)
It is equally impermissible to force a son into marriage. Islamic law grants no authority to a father to compel his adult son to marry someone he does not wish to marry. Ibn Taymiyyah wrote,
“A father has no right to compel his son to marry someone he does not want, this is agreed upon by the scholars.” (Majmu‘ al-Fatawa)
Similarly, the Permanent Committee for Islamic Research and Ifta’ in Saudi Arabia issued a ruling stating: “It is not permissible for a father to force his daughter or son to marry someone they do not want…” (Fatwa No. 6602).
Rejecting a child’s choice of spouse without reason
Parents should not refuse their child’s choice in marriage for petty or superficial reasons such as ethnicity, social status, or personal dislikes that have no basis in religion or character. Parents may reject a child’s choice for fear of what others may think, due to a difference in background, class or race etc. However, Islam teaches that the most important qualities to consider are faith and good character. When these are present, rejecting a suitable match over trivial preferences can lead to unnecessary hardship and resentment, and may even push children to make decisions without parental blessing. Marriage is a sunnah, so preventing marriage without good reason is sinful. Parents who prevented their children from marrying potential spouses who had good character and religious values will be held to account for this.
Every adult is free to make their own decisions
The broader Islamic principle is that every adult is accountable for their own decisions. One of the most striking themes in the Qur’an is that each soul is ultimately accountable for its own choices and deeds. Allah says,
“O you who believe, take care of your own selves…” (Al-Mā’idah, 5:105)
This includes the right to make personal choices around marriage, family life, and child-rearing, provided these choices do not violate Islamic principles. While parental advice is valuable and honouring one’s parents is an obligation, it does not extend to controlling a child’s personal life.
Interference vs autonomy
While Islam deeply values family bonds and emphasises the rights of parents, it also recognises individual agency, particularly in adulthood. This balance is seen in verses that affirm personal accountability while still calling for respect toward elders.
Allah says:
“Every soul earns only to its own account, and no bearer of burdens shall bear the burden of another.”
(Surah al-An‘ām 6:164)
This principle is crucial when it comes to marriage. The husband and wife are responsible before Allah for how they conduct their marital relationship, how they raise their children, and how they fulfil their duties to one another. No one else, not even beloved parents, will bear the consequences of their choices. This is why interference, even from close family, must be approached with caution and wisdom.
Positive parental input
Parental involvement becomes praiseworthy and even necessary when it is motivated by love, concern, and stems from a place of Islamic guidance. Advising children about what is halal and haram, warning them against abusive behaviour, or responding when consulted are all legitimate ways parents can support their married children.
While Islam encourages filial obedience and goodness to parents, for instance when Allah says, “And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents…” (Al-Aḥqāf 46:15), this dutifulness does not equal blind obedience. Respect, consultation, and kindness are required, but not at the expense of justice or personal well-being.
In-law dynamics and marital harmony
In many cultures, especially within South Asian and Middle Eastern families, marriage is viewed not just as a union between two individuals, but as the joining of two families. While this can be a source of blessing, support, and strength, it can also lead to unnecessary friction when family members overstep boundaries, either subtly or overtly. This is particularly common with in-laws, and if not handled with balance, it can become a significant cause of tension between spouses.
Islam recognises the rights of parents and the importance of maintaining kinship ties, but it also clearly defines the marital unit as one of mutual respect, privacy, and independence. The Qur’an describes spouses as garments for one another, a relationship that implies closeness, protection, and confidentiality:
“They are a garment for you and you are a garment for them.”
(Surah al-Baqarah, 2:187)
The marriage is a sanctuary, and outside interference, even from well-meaning parent, must be managed with wisdom and firmness. When in-laws intrude upon a couple’s private matters, dictate daily life decisions, or try to control the household, it often stems not from malice but from cultural expectations or a misunderstanding of religious boundaries. Nevertheless, such interference can erode trust between spouses, create resentment, and destabilise the very foundation of the marriage.
When parental involvement is beneficial
Parents do have a valuable and respected role in supporting their children’s marriages, but it must be exercised with wisdom, fairness, and within the boundaries of Islam. If they observe that their child is violating Islamic principles, such as being unjust, harsh, or negligent towards their spouse, they are not only allowed but encouraged to advise them with kindness and clarity. A father reminding his son to fear Allah and treat his wife honourably, or a mother advising her daughter to be patient and nurturing, is part of sincere counsel (naṣīḥah) and a sign of parental care. Similarly, if there is clear harm, such as signs of abuse, neglect, or serious wrongdoing, then it is within the parent’s right to speak up and guide their child back to justice. Importantly, if their child approaches them for advice or support, parents may offer counsel, suggest solutions, or recommend mediation, but they are not allowed to impose their will or override their child’s choice. True support uplifts without controlling, and protects the sanctity of the marital home while still encouraging righteousness.
When parental interference is prohibited
Parental interference becomes prohibited when it causes harm, injustice, or undermines the harmony of the marital relationship. Islam does not allow a parent to demand that their child divorce their spouse without a valid shar‘i reason. Doing so based on personal dislikes, preferences, or power struggles is unjust and can destroy homes. Likewise, it is impermissible for a parent to impose their control over family matters that rightly belong to the couple, such as how they raise their children, their household decisions, or even naming their offspring. A marriage is a private union with its own boundaries, and parents must respect that sanctity. Interference that creates conflict, for example, passing on gossip, stirring doubts, or comparing one spouse to another, can sow mistrust and resentment. This warning applies equally to those who incite a husband against his wife. Islam emphasises the preservation of families, not their breakdown through manipulative interference.
Parents who demand divorce
Interference becomes haram when parents impose control over their children’s marriage or household, demand divorce without a valid reason, or sow discord between spouses.
Marriage in Islam is a sacred and weighty covenant. It is not to be broken except for legitimate reasons such as abuse, injustice, infidelity, or the breakdown of marital life. Allah says: “
And live with them (your spouses) in kindness.” (Surah Nisā’ 4:19)
The Prophet ﷺ said:
“The most hated permissible thing to Allah is divorce.” (Sunan Abū Dāwūd)
The Prophet ﷺ also said:
“Whoever corrupts a woman against her husband is not one of us.” (Sunan Abu Dawood)
This includes pressuring a wife to oppose her husband or fuelling resentment between a couple. Such behaviour can destroy families and lead to lasting harm.
A father has no right to compel his son to divorce his wife if the son loves her and she is not harming him, and keeping her does not involve sin. This is particularly relevant in scenarios where parents, out of cultural preference or emotional bias, object to a marriage without a valid Islamic reason. A famous narration involving ‘Abdullah ibn ‘Umar highlights this balance. His father, Umar ibn al-Khattāb, asked him to divorce his wife. The Prophet ﷺ instructed him to do so (Sunan Abu Dawood), but scholars have clarified that this was due to specific wisdom known to the Prophet ﷺ and not a general command applicable to all situations. Imam Ahmad noted that a man should not divorce his wife simply because his father tells him to unless there is a clear religious benefit.
It is important to remember that obedience to parents has its limits. A foundational legal maxim in Islam is:
“There is no obedience to any created being in disobedience to the Creator.” (Musnad Ahmad)
Even in cases where the matter is permissible, if obedience leads to injustice, emotional harm, or family breakdown, it is not obligatory. Allah says:
“But if they strive to make you associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, do not obey them, but accompany them in this world with kindness…” (Luqmān 31:15)
If Islam does not require obedience in the case of shirk, it certainly does not in matters of opinion or control.
The Quran shows us example is in the story of Prophet Ibrahim (peace be upon him), whose father was deeply misguided in his beliefs. Despite this, Ibrahim (peace be upon him) maintained a respectful tone while firmly distancing himself from his father’s misguidance:
“O my father, do not worship Shaytan… I fear that a punishment from the Most Merciful will touch you…”
(Surah Maryam: 19:4)
Responding with adab and principle
Children, whether sons or daughters, are placed in a difficult position when caught between their spouse and their parents. Islam does not call for severing ties or adopting harshness with one’s parents, even when they are wrong. However, it does demand fairness and the protection of one’s spouse from dhulm (injustice), regardless of the source.
Allah says:
“O you who believe, stand firmly for justice, as witnesses for Allah, even if it be against yourselves or your parents or your kin…”
(Surah an-Nisā’, 4:35)
Thus, the son or daughter must strike a balance. They must speak kindly but firmly to their parents, respectfully setting boundaries and clarifying that while they love and honour them, they cannot permit interference in their marriage that causes harm or leads to injustice.
When conflicts arise between the husband and wife due to in-laws, it is vital that both spouses protect the sanctity of their relationship by communicating openly and avoiding blame. The problem should be addressed as a joint concern, not as “your parents” versus “my parents”, but as a matter that affects their shared home.
Practical wisdom for dealing with in-law tensions
- Avoid airing dirty laundry
Do not rush to report every disagreement to your parents. It often escalates the problem and invites unwanted interference. The Prophet ﷺ advised that what happens between a husband and wife should remain private unless there is genuine harm. - Set boundaries early and clearly
Couples should mutually agree on boundaries regarding visits, finances, and parenting decisions. Once established, they should be communicated to both sets of parents with kindness and firmness. - Involve a neutral third party if needed
If interference persists and the couple is unable to manage it, a trusted elder or imam, someone who understands both religion and culture, may help mediate in a way that preserves dignity and fairness. - Show kindness without enabling oppression
Children should remain soft-spoken and gentle with their parents, even when refusing interference. Disagreeing respectfully is not disobedience. The example of Prophet Ibrahim (peace be upon him) speaking to his disbelieving father with gentleness is a model of adab, even in disagreement.
When interference arises, whether emotional manipulation, harsh comments, or attempts to divide, the response must show adab, not rage. Children must uphold the principles of Islamic character even while asserting boundaries. This means:
- Avoiding arguments or backbiting, even when parents or in-laws are in the wrong.
- Drawing the line without severing tie, refusing injustice does not mean cutting off kinship.
Allah commands:
“And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, ‘My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.’”
(Surah al-Isrā’ 17: 24)
This does not mean tolerating oppression, but maintaining dignity and du‘a for them even when disagreement occurs. Parents are responsible for their own children. Grandparents do not have automatic authority over how grandchildren are raised, unless invited for help or advice.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
“Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for his flock…” (Sahih Bukhari and Sahih Muslim)
Advice for in-laws: honour your limits
In-laws, especially parents, may feel a deep attachment to their children even after marriage, a natural feeling that Islam acknowledges. However, the test lies in how this affection is expressed. The Prophet ﷺ said:
“Part of the perfection of one’s Islam is to leave that which does not concern him.”
(Sunan al-Tirmidhi)
Marriage-related decision, from where the couple lives to how they parent, often do not concern the in-laws directly, unless help or counsel is requested. The temptation to micromanage or control must be resisted, even when cloaked in good intentions.
- Release control gracefully
Your child is now an adult with their own life, home, and spouse. Accepting that their decisions will sometimes differ from yours is part of letting go with dignity. - Support, don’t supervise
Offer advice only when asked, and even then, gently. Do not monitor your child’s marriage for faults, nor see yourself as an enforcer of how the home should run. - Respect the daughter/son-in-law’s dignity
Do not criticise, compare, or humiliate them, even indirectly. Their role is not to serve you, but to live in peace with your child. - Focus on your own marriage and spiritual growth
Many elders struggle with the “empty nest” phase. Instead of projecting frustration into your children’s lives, channel your energy into personal development, da’wah, community service, or studying the deen. - Don’t become a fitnah (trial)
Allah warns us:
“Indeed, among your spouses and your children are enemies to you — so beware of them.”
(Surah at-Taghabun 64:14)
The role of the husband: a bridge, not a battleground
Culturally, many sons find themselves in the most delicate position, caught between loyalty to their mother and justice toward their wife. Some mothers like to fire up their daughters as if they are going into battle with their husbands and in-laws. However, Islam does not pit one against the other. The Qur’an does not teach injustice in the name of loyalty. A man must honour his parents and at the same time protect his wife from dhulm. His duty is to maintain both relationships through fairness and clear boundaries.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
“The best of you are those who are best to their families, and I am the best among you to my family.”
(Sunan al-Tirmidhi)
He ﷺ did not please others at the expense of his wives, nor neglect his duties to his family out of fear of community pressure or parental opinion. This is the prophetic balance that Muslim men today must strive for.
When silence enables harm
In some families, conflict arises not from active interference, but from silent complicity. A parent may disapprove of their child’s spouse, but refuse to say it directly, instead resorting to coldness, passive aggression, or favouritism in front of the children. This damages not only the marriage but also the family legacy. Islam teaches transparency, good opinion (husn al-dhann), and open dialogue, not secrecy and manipulation.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
“None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.”
(Sahih Muslim)
Shouldn’t this apply even more to in-laws to love for your daughter-in-law or son-in-law the same peace, security, and happiness you would want for your own child?
Disclosing marital problems: when is it allowed and when is it sinful?
Islam places a high value on satr, concealment and privacy, especially within the marital relationship. A husband and wife are considered garments for one another, a metaphor that speaks not only of closeness and comfort but also of covering each other’s faults.
“They are a garment for you and you are a garment for them.”
(Surah al-Baqarah, 2:187)
This means it is important to protect the spouse’s dignity, privacy, and emotional well-being. Disclosing intimate details of a spouse’s shortcomings, or the inner conflicts of the marriage to parents, siblings, or friends without a valid reason is not only discouraged but can border on sinful behaviour.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
“Among the worst people before Allah on the Day of Judgement is a man who goes to his wife and she goes to him, and then he spreads her secrets.”
(Sahih Muslim)
This hadith can be extended in meaning to both spouses. Marriage is a relationship of trust, and breaking that trust by publicising internal matters, whether through gossip, venting, or seeking unnecessary sympathy, can ruin relationships and fuel external interference.
Imam al Nawawi said
“Revealing marital secrets is prohibited, and it reflects poor character, as it leads to conflict and the destruction of love and trust.” (Sharh Sahih Muslim)
When is it permissible to share?
There are exceptions, but they must be clearly for maslahah (benefit) with sincere intent to solve the problem, not to shame or belittle the spouse. Permissible cases for disclosing marital issues include:
- Seeking counsel from a qualified Islamic advisor or counsellor when the goal is to fix the issue.
- Consulting a wise, discreet elder (including a parent) only if they are known for fairness and confidentiality.
- Reporting abuse, harm, or oppression, especially where there is danger to physical, mental, or spiritual well-being.
- Mediation for reconciliation, where the presence of a neutral third party may help resolve the conflict.
Even in these situations, the tone, content, and motive must be measured. The objective should be islah (reform), not retaliation, and the details shared should be as limited as necessary.
A Qur’anic model for resolving family conflict: the case of shiqāq (serious marital discord)
The Qur’an outlines a process of mediation in cases where serious conflict arises between spouses:
“If you fear a breach between them, appoint [two] arbitrators: one from his family and one from hers. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will bring about harmony between them. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Aware.”
(Surah an-Nisā’ 4:35)
Marital problems should only be disclosed to others after all internal efforts between the couple have been exhausted. If seeking outside help becomes necessary, one should choose a confidant wisely, someone who is calm, wise, and fair in judgment.
Avoid involving individuals who are likely to aggravate the situation or take sides unjustly. Above all, protect the privacy of the marriage. Marital secrets are a sacred trust and should not be exposed unnecessarily, as doing so can lead to greater harm and erode the bond between husband and wife.
Allah says:
“So righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard [their husband’s] secrets in his absence, as Allah has guarded them.” (Surah Nisa, 4:34)
Only involve just and trusted individuals from both sides of the family, but only after efforts between the couple themselves have been exhausted. It is not an open invitation for parents or in-laws to micromanage the marriage. The aim is reconciliation, not blame.
Sadly, the reality is that many marital breakdowns in our communities are not due to a lack of love or effort between spouses, but due to external pressure, unmet cultural expectations, and emotional manipulation from elders who feel entitled to control. If we are to heal this pattern, a cultural shift is needed. This shift must begin with Islamic literacy, emotional maturity, and sincere taqwa.
See more related posts
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