Marriage – the difficulties of sharing space
When one spouse is tidy and the other is messy
This is a very common issue between husbands and wives. When two people are sharing the same space, they will not necessarily have the same habits or the same understanding of what is tidy. One person likes everything to be put away and all the surfaces to be clear. The other does not mind having papers on the desk, coats in the hallway or things left where they can see them and use them. These small things can become a source of ongoing tension in a marriage, especially when they happen every day.
Islam encourages cleanliness and order. The Prophet ﷺ said:
الطُّهُورُ شَطْرُ الْإِيمَانِ
“Purification is half of faith.”
(Muslim)
However, we have to distinguish between cleanliness and personal preference. A home can be clean without being completely clutter-free. Having some papers on a desk or coats hanging in the hallway does not mean that the house is dirty.
In the same way, there is nothing wrong with somebody liking a very tidy home. Some people feel much more comfortable when everything is in its place and the surfaces are clear. The problem comes when either person makes their preference the rule for everybody else.
You are sharing a home
When you get married, you are no longer living by yourself. You are sharing your space and your life with somebody else, and therefore you have to take their comfort into consideration.
Allah Almighty says:
وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ
“Live with them honourably.”
(Surat al-Nisa, 4:19)
Living together with ma’ruf means treating each other with kindness and consideration. It means that you cannot only say, “This is how I like it,” and expect the other person to adjust to you all the time.
If the husband knows that leaving his things everywhere is upsetting his wife, he should make an effort to put things away. It is part of being considerate towards her. At the same time, if the wife wants everything to be spotless all the time, she has to recognise that her husband may not have the same standard. She also has to compromise. It works both ways.
Agree on shared spaces and personal spaces
One practical solution is to agree on which areas are shared and which areas belong more to each person. For example, if the husband has his own study or his own desk, then perhaps he can keep that space in the way that suits him. If his wife likes everything arranged differently, she does not have to organise his personal space according to her preference.
However, if his desk is in the main living room and everybody has to walk past it, then it is no longer completely private. It is part of the shared space, so he should take that into consideration. The same applies to the hallway. If there are a few coats hanging there because people use them every day, this is normal. But if the hallway becomes full of belongings and difficult to use, then something needs to change.
Couples should sit together and agree: this area should be kept reasonably clear, this cupboard is yours, this shelf is mine, this desk can be kept in the way you prefer. This avoids having the same argument every day.
Lack of space makes it more difficult
This problem is usually worse when there is not enough space in the home. If several people are living in a small house or flat, you cannot expect it to look like a showroom. People have clothes, books, children’s things, work equipment and belongings which have to go somewhere.
Sometimes the issue is not that somebody is messy. The issue is that there is too much stuff and not enough storage. In this situation, both sides have to be realistic. They may need to organise the space better, create more storage or get rid of things they no longer need.
Islam does not encourage excess. Allah says:
وَلَا تُسْرِفُوا إِنَّهُ لَا يُحِبُّ الْمُسْرِفِينَ
“Do not be excessive. Indeed, He does not love those who are excessive.”
(Surat al-A’raf, 7:31)
This does not mean that having many possessions is automatically haram. However, if we have accumulated so many things that they are creating difficulty in the home, it is sensible to go through them and remove what we do not need.
When one spouse keeps everything
Sometimes one spouse does not like throwing things away. They keep boxes, clothes, papers and objects which they have not used for years, while the other spouse wants a clutter-free home. Again, there has to be balance.
We should not immediately call somebody a hoarder because they keep more things than we do. But if somebody is keeping excessive amounts of things and this is affecting the rest of the family and taking over the shared space, then they need to address it. They cannot say, “These are my things, so you cannot touch them,” when their belongings are affecting everybody else’s ability to enjoy the home.
What if one spouse wants everything spotless?
On the other hand, sometimes the issue is the opposite. One spouse cannot tolerate anything being out of place. Wanting a spotless home is not wrong. If this is what makes you comfortable, there is nothing wrong with that. But you cannot necessarily expect everybody else in the house to maintain exactly the same standard all the time.
A family home is a place where people live. If there are children, several family members or limited space, there will naturally be things around sometimes. You have to have realistic expectations.
The husband should also not dismiss his wife’s feelings by saying, “You are extreme,” only because she likes the house to be very tidy. If the clutter is genuinely disturbing her, he should take this seriously and try to help.
At the same time, the wife has to ask herself whether what she is expecting is reasonable. Is the house actually messy, or is it only not arranged exactly the way she wants it? Both sides need to be fair.
When it becomes more than a preference
There are cases where the issue goes beyond normal differences between husband and wife. Some people experience very strong anxiety when things are not in a particular place or when the house is not arranged in a particular way. This does not mean that everyone who likes a spotless home has OCD. We should not use these labels casually.
However, if the reaction is very intense, the person cannot cope when things are moved, or the issue is repeatedly causing serious arguments and distress in the marriage, then it may be useful to seek professional advice or counselling. The same applies to somebody who cannot throw anything away and continues accumulating things until the home becomes difficult to live in.
Sometimes couples keep arguing about the same issue for years because neither side can see the situation from the other’s perspective. A counsellor can help them understand what is really happening and agree on reasonable boundaries.
Do not make small things into big things
The Prophet ﷺ said:
خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِهِ وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِي
“The best of you are those who are best to their families, and I am the best of you to my family.”
(Tirmidhi)
Good character is not only about the big things. It appears in these small things which happen every day. If you know that putting your coat away will make your spouse happy, put it away. It takes one minute. And if your spouse leaves something on the table, you do not have to turn every small thing into an argument. Marriage requires compromise from both sides.
Allah Almighty describes marriage by saying:
وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً
“And He placed between you affection and mercy.”
(Surat al-Rum, 30:21)
There is no ruling which says that a desk has to be completely clear or that coats cannot be visible in the hallway. These are personal preferences and matters which husband and wife need to agree between themselves. The important thing is not to be selfish. Do not impose your standard on everybody else, but do not ignore something which you know is genuinely upsetting your spouse either.
Talk about it. Agree on the shared spaces. Give each other some personal space. Be realistic about the size of your home and the number of people living in it. Get rid of things you genuinely do not need, and overlook some of the small things.
The home should be a place of sakinah, not a place where husband and wife are constantly arguing over a coat, a pile of papers or what has been left on the desk.