Major Principles of Islam: Chastity and Honour (part 3) Abuse and taboos
The Islamic value of chastity and protecting honour
Chastity is a long and deeply layered topic in Islam. It has many branches, like a tree spreading out, and today we continue discussing its importance and the way Islam treats this concept. One of the main objectives of the Sharia is the protection of lineage (hifz al-nasl) and honour. This is not a minor subject. In fact, it ranks among the major principles of Islamic ethics. One’s reputation, family integrity, and ancestry are core to personal dignity and communal well-being.
In the Prophet’s ﷺ Farewell Sermon, part of his wasiyya (counsel and Will) was the sanctity of life, wealth, and honour. Among his repeated teachings in that sermon was the clear warning:
“Your blood, your wealth, and your honour are sacred to you, like the sanctity of this day, in this month, in this city.”
(Sahih al-Bukhari)
This means: you cannot shed another’s blood, you cannot take someone’s property without consent, and you cannot slander or damage a person’s reputation without clear evidence. These are the divine boundaries, and the Prophet ﷺ told us not to overstep them.
In our previous sessions, we discussed the importance of adhering to the divine guidance of Allah ﷻ and His Messenger ﷺ. Today, we will focus on the issue of disclosing abuse, especially when it conflicts with cultural silence or societal taboos.
Challenging cultural norms
In many communities, especially in the Arab and South Asian worlds, long-held traditions often prevent people from speaking out, especially against abuse. This can include sexual abuse, verbal abuse, or emotional mistreatment. It is sometimes wrongly accepted when it comes from elders, parents, teachers, or employers. Culturally, there may be shame or stigma attached to speaking out. But is this Islamic?
Let us examine what the Qur’an and Sunnah say, and how these sources are often misinterpreted.
Don’t spread evil, unless you’ve been wronged
One of the commonly cited verses used to silence people is from Surah al-Nur:
إِنَّ ٱلَّذِينَ يُحِبُّونَ أَن تَشِيعَ ٱلْفَـٰحِشَةُ فِى ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ لَهُمْ عَذَابٌ أَلِيمٌۭ فِى ٱلدُّنْيَا وَٱلْـَٔاخِرَةِۚ
Indeed, those who love foul slander about believers to circulate widely will have a painful punishment in this world and the Hereafter
(Surah al-Nur, 24:19)
Some people misuse this verse to argue that one should not speak about abuse or wrongdoing, even when it’s necessary. But this interpretation is incorrect.
Another verse clarifies the context:
لَّا يُحِبُّ ٱللَّهُ ٱلْجَهْرَ بِٱلسُّوٓءِ مِنَ ٱلْقَوْلِ إِلَّا مَن ظُلِمَۚ وَكَانَ ٱللَّهُ سَمِيعًا عَلِيمًا
“Allah does not like that evil should be spoken of openly, except by one who has been wronged. And Allah is All-Hearing, All-Knowing.”
(Surah al-Nisa’, 4:148)
This verse gives an important exception: a person who has been wronged may speak out. In other words, while Islam discourages spreading evil or scandal, a victim of abuse has the right to disclose it, to seek justice, support, and protection. Speaking out in such cases is not considered fahishah (foul slander); it is standing up for what is right.
Commanding good and forbidding evil
This duty is further reinforced in the following verse:
كُنتُمْ خَيْرَ أُمَّةٍ أُخْرِجَتْ لِلنَّاسِ تَأْمُرُونَ بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ وَتَنْهَوْنَ عَنِ ٱلْمُنكَرِ
“You are the best nation produced for mankind. You enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong…”
(Surah Aali ‘Imran, 3:110)
This command applies to all Muslims, young and old, male and female. It means if you witness injustice, you are morally and religiously obligated to act. Silence, in this context, becomes complicity.
Exposing injustice after patience: when public disclosure is permissible
When it comes to disclosing abuse, we can reflect on a hadith that offers both humour and deep wisdom. It involves a man repeatedly harmed by his neighbour, who sought help from the Prophet ﷺ. The Prophet ﷺ, known for his patience and compassion, initially told him:
“Be patient.”
The man returned again with the same complaint. The Prophet ﷺ repeated his advice. But when the problem continued, the Prophet ﷺ instructed him in a very unique way:
“Take your belongings, place them in the middle of the street, and sit there.”
People began passing by and naturally asked why his furniture was outside. He replied, “Because I cannot sit in my house. My neighbour is harming me.” The crowd, upon hearing his situation, started saying, “May Allah curse that man. May Allah disgrace him!” When the neighbour heard of this public reaction, he ran to the man and begged:
“Please, return home. I promise I will never hurt you again.”
This story is a powerful illustration of applying the principle from Surah al-Nisa’:
لَا يُحِبُّ ٱللَّهُ ٱلْجَهْرَ بِٱلسُّوٓءِ مِنَ ٱلْقَوْلِ إِلَّا مَن ظُلِمَ
Allah does not like that evil should be spoken of openly, except by one who has been wronged. And Allah is All-Hearing, All-Knowing.
(Surah al-Nisa’, 4:148)
The neighbour brought this public embarrassment on himself. He was given one chance, two chances, three chances, but ignored them. Only then was the victim justified in making his suffering known. This shows that the default is to conceal, but if wronged and all other avenues are exhausted, exposing the injustice becomes permissible
Practical parallels in daily life
This principle is applicable beyond neighbours. For example, if you go to a restaurant and experience poor service, you may ask to speak to the manager. If the manager behaves worse than the waiter, and your complaint is ignored, you are justified in writing a negative review. You gave them a chance. They failed to correct the mistake. Now you are seeking accountability, not revenge.
But in all cases, the Islamic guidance is to say only what is necessary, not to exaggerate, fabricate, or fuel unnecessary drama. The goal should be justice, not vengeance.
Distinguishing between one-off mistakes and habitual abuse
Islam makes a clear distinction between:
- A person who habitually harms others, insults people, or is employed to abuse others
- A person who has slipped once, made a mistake, and shows genuine remorse
While both acts are wrong, they are not treated the same. The Prophet ﷺ said:
كُلُّ أُمَّتِي مُعَافًى إِلَّا الْمُجَاهِرِينَ
“All of my ummah will be forgiven except those who openly expose their sins.”
(Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim)
He then explained:
“A man commits a sin at night which Allah conceals. Then in the morning he says, ‘O so-and-so, I did such-and-such last night.’ He spent the night under his Lord’s cover, and he removes it in the morning.”
This is very different from a person who made a mistake, kept it private, repented, and sought to change. The sin may be similar, but the reaction, humility, and respect for Allah’s mercy are what differentiate the two.
The ethics of concealing faults
Another key teaching of the Prophet ﷺ addresses how we treat the faults of others:
مَنْ سَتَرَ مُسْلِمًا، سَتَرَهُ اللَّهُ فِي الدُّنْيَا وَالآخِرَةِ، وَمَنْ تَتَبَّعَ عَوْرَةَ أَخِيهِ، تَتَبَّعَ اللَّهُ عَوْرَتَهُ، حَتَّى يَفْضَحَهُ فِي بَيْتِهِ
“Whoever conceals the faults of a Muslim, Allah will conceal his faults in this world and the Hereafter. Whoever exposes the faults of his brother, Allah will expose his faults, even if he is in the privacy of his own house.”
(Sunan Ibn Mājah)
Again, this does not apply to cases where the wrongdoer is harming others or stealing from the community. Public interest (maslahah ‘ammah) outweighs private concealment in such cases. But if it is a private failing that affects only the individual, then exposing it is not allowed. The preferred approach is to advise them in private with sincere concern.
Intent matters: advice vs humiliation
If someone you know has made a mistake, especially a personal sin, and it does not affect others, do not expose them. If you have access to them, advise them privately. Find excuses for them if they are not known for habitual wrongdoing. Help bring them back to Allah ﷻ instead of pushing them further away.
The Prophet ﷺ taught us how to correct others with gentleness. If we start by publicising small faults, they can escalate and become unrectifiable.
Don’t spy or hunt for faults to expose others
In a hadith narrated by Abu Barzah al-Aslami (may Allah be pleased with him), the Prophet ﷺ said:
يَا مَعْشَرَ مَنْ آمَنَ بِلِسَانِهِ وَلَمْ يَدْخُلِ الْإِيمَانُ فِي قَلْبِهِ، لَا تَغْتَابُوا الْمُسْلِمِينَ، وَلَا تَتَّبِعُوا عَوْرَاتِهِمْ، فَإِنَّهُ مَنْ يَتَّبِعْ عَوْرَةَ أَخِيهِ، يَتَّبِعِ اللَّهُ عَوْرَتَهُ، وَمَنْ يَتَّبِعِ اللَّهُ عَوْرَتَهُ، يَفْضَحْهُ وَلَوْ فِي جَوْفِ رَحْلِهِ
“O you who have believed with your tongues but faith has not entered your hearts, do not backbite Muslims, and do not seek out their faults. For whoever seeks out the faults of his brother, Allah will expose his faults, even if he is in the innermost part of his house.”
(Sunan Abu Dawud)
Islam strongly prohibits spying on others or trying to uncover people’s faults without just cause. The Prophet ﷺ set clear boundaries for privacy and dignity. Our default position should be not to search for people’s mistakes. We are not allowed to:
- Sneak into private property
- Use cameras or drones to film people without their knowledge
- Invade someone’s garden or home
- Stalk or follow someone for the sake of exposing them
This applies especially when the action you are trying to uncover does not directly harm you or anyone else. However, there is a clear distinction: if a person is stealing from the government or harming the public, then it becomes a different matter, one of public concern.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
يَا مَعْشَرَ مَنْ آمَنَ بِلِسَانِهِ وَلَمْ يَدْخُلِ الْإِيمَانُ فِي قَلْبِهِ، لَا تَغْتَابُوا الْمُسْلِمِينَ، وَلَا تَتَّبِعُوا عَوْرَاتِهِمْ، فَإِنَّهُ مَنْ يَتَّبِعْ عَوْرَةَ أَخِيهِ، يَتَّبِعِ اللَّهُ عَوْرَتَهُ، وَمَنْ يَتَّبِعِ اللَّهُ عَوْرَتَهُ، يَفْضَحْهُ وَلَوْ فِي جَوْفِ رَحْلِهِ
“O you who have believed with your tongues, but faith has not entered your hearts, do not backbite Muslims and do not search out their faults. For whoever searches for the faults of his brother, Allah will search out his faults. And if Allah searches out his faults, He will expose them even if he is in the innermost part of his home.”
(Sunan Abu Dawud)
As you deal with others, Allah ﷻ may send someone to deal with you the same way. Do not go looking for faults, or Allah may cause your own faults to be exposed.
Do not normalise evil in your heart
The final position in the hadith is one of the most important for spiritual survival: rejection in the heart.
If you walk through a supermarket and pass the alcohol aisle, or see open indecency on adverts or screens, you may not be able to change it with your hand or speech, but your heart must not accept it. Keep saying to yourself, “This is haram. I do not approve of this.”
The heart is your final shield. If your heart accepts haram as normal, your resistance to sin slowly erodes. You become desensitised, and eventually you may fall into it. Allah ﷻ gave us an immune system of the soul, keep your heart healthy by rejecting evil internally, even when you are powerless externally.
Speaking out against abuse
From these principles, we understand that speaking out against abuse is not only allowed, it may be necessary. Abuse comes in many forms:
- Child abuse
- Spousal abuse
- Verbal or emotional abuse
- Physical and sexual abuse
There are situations where silence is harmful, not protective. For example, a woman who is physically abused by her husband, sometimes even in front of the children, may remain silent out of fear, shame, or social pressure.
In one case, a mother was pushed down the stairs by her husband, resulting in broken bones. She later passed away. No one had reported the abuse, even though it was a known pattern. The culture around her considered it shameful to report a husband. But in reality, not reporting was the sin, because it allowed oppression to continue.
Intentions behind disclosure
If you are speaking out about abuse or injustice, the intention matters:
- Are you trying to get help?
- Protect others from falling into the same harm?
- Raise awareness so the community addresses the issue?
If yes, then you are doing what the Qur’an and Sunnah encourage. But if your aim is revenge, humiliation, or gossip, then it becomes a sin.
The example of Professor Alexis Jay’s report
To put this in perspective, the Independent Inquiry into Child Sexual Abuse led by Professor Alexis Jay produced a detailed report in October 2022. It offered over 20 key recommendations. Sadly, as of now, the government has not implemented them.
This highlights why public awareness and pressure are crucial. Without speaking up, systems don’t change.
So, yes, we are allowed and sometimes required to talk about abuse, but with sincerity, evidence, and purpose. We must draw a clear line between constructive disclosure for justice, and harmful exposure for gossip or vengeance.
Abuse is not a private matter when it harms others
In many communities, it is sadly common to blame the victim, especially when a wife reports her abusive husband. People say, “You’re ruining the family,” or “You’re dishonouring your household.” But such a view is completely wrong from an Islamic perspective.
Abuse is not just a family matter. It’s a serious moral, legal, and spiritual offence. Whether it’s verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual, Islam does not allow abuse to be hidden if it causes harm to others.
It’s important to note that this is not unique to Muslim cultures. Domestic violence is a global issue, affecting people of all religions and ethnicities. But what makes this worse is when cultural norms are mistaken for Islamic rulings. In truth, Islam honours women and men, and gives each the right to protect their body, dignity, and well-being.
Some women remain silent, trying to “keep the family together” or protect the abuser’s reputation. But in doing so, they may cause more long-term harm, to themselves and their children.
Do not normalise abuse
Some say, “I have kids, so I can’t leave,” or “It’s not that bad, I’ve learnt to live with it.” But verbal abuse poisons the soul, and physical abuse breaks trust and dignity. Living with abuse is not strength, it is a form of self-harm, and it often spreads harm to the children as well.
In fact, verbal abuse is not minor. It can destroy a person’s confidence, self-worth, and mental well-being. Islam never tells you to tolerate such harm in silence.
And this applies to men too. Believe it or not, some men are abused by their wives, physically, emotionally, or psychologically, but they are too ashamed to report it. They fear being mocked: “How can a man be beaten by a woman?” Yet this silence allows the abuse to continue unchecked.
Reporting abuse is halal, not haram
In some cultures, people will curse a woman for going to the police. They claim she has dishonoured her husband, family, or religion. But this is completely false.
Reporting abuse, especially serious and repeated abuse, is not haram. From a Sharia perspective, reporting is not only allowed, it may be obligatory if it protects the victim and others from harm. The law gives you the right to safety. Islam gives you the right to dignity.
Some victims remain in abusive marriages for decades. One woman endured 20 years of abuse, terrified to speak out, even afraid to seek a divorce. When she finally found the courage to ask for advice and saw Islamic evidence in support of her case, she was able to break free. Allah has honoured you, do not accept humiliation or harm.
Culture vs Islam
Always remember this: culture is not religion.
Many cultural practices are harmful and contradict Islam. Islam never tells you to stay in a relationship where you are beaten, humiliated, or crushed. Allah ﷻ gave you rights. Sharia gave you protection. The Prophet ﷺ gave you guidance.
“Do not harm and do not reciprocate harm.”
لَا ضَرَرَ وَلَا ضِرَارَ
(Sunan Ibn Majah)
So don’t make culture your authority. Make Islam your authority. And Islam tells you: stop injustice. Protect your family. Speak out against abuse.
Praying for change is part of action
In the discussion, someone asked: “If you can’t change evil with your hand or your speech, should you at least pray for change?”
Yes, this is included in the second level of the hadith. Praying for change is a use of your tongue, and it shows that you are not passive. It keeps your heart alive and your shield strong. The moment you drop your shield, you open yourself to evil.
So keep praying. Pray for change. Pray for justice. Pray for victims to find safety and oppressors to be held accountable.
A believer should never be passive in the face of evil:
- With your hand: if you have authority (as a parent, employer, manager), act to stop it
- With your tongue: if you lack authority, then speak up, give advice, raise awareness
- With your heart: if you can do neither, at least reject it internally and never normalise it
For example, in a workplace, even if you are not the director, you can raise a complaint, file a report, or use a whistleblower system. These mechanisms are in line with the spirit of Islam.
Never normalise evil
Whether it is abuse, injustice, corruption, or the normalisation of haram behaviour like illegitimate relationships, oppression, or false ideologies, Muslims cannot accept evil in any form.
مَن رَأَى مِنكُم مُنكَرًا فليغيِّرهُ بيَدِهِ، فإن لَم يستطِع فبلسانِهِ، فإن لَم يستطِع فبقلبِهِ، وذلِكَ أضعَفُ الإيمانِ
“Whoever among you sees an evil, let him change it with his hand; if he cannot, then with his tongue; and if he cannot, then with his heart, and that is the weakest of faith.”
(Sahih Muslim)
This applies to everything haram, whether it’s abusive behaviour in a household or the political normalisation of regimes that commit oppression and violence. Evil must never become “normal” in our minds or hearts.
Choosing a spouse: be open, be wise
When considering marriage, one of the most important pieces of advice is: be an open book. Don’t hide things about your personality, habits, or expectations, only to surprise your spouse later.
Be honest from the beginning: “This is who I am, this is what I expect, this is how I live.” And allow the other person to assess you on that basis.
If you’re someone who’s very neat, say it. If you value prayer and religious practice, say so. That way, there are no false expectations. When people hide things before marriage, they often cause pain after marriage.
Test, don’t provoke
It’s also wise to test character, gently and respectfully. For instance, do something mildly annoying and see how the person reacts. Are they patient or quick to anger? You’re not looking to provoke harm, but to understand the other person’s temperament.
If they become aggressive over something small, it’s a sign of deeper issues. Similarly, if someone is not practicing their faith, don’t assume they’ll change after marriage. Many people say, “He promised to start praying,” but never does. Change only happens when someone is truly sincere and committed.
Some traits can be adjusted. Others, like deep-seated character traits, are much harder to change.
So do your homework. Investigate. Seek advice. Make du‘a to Allah to guide your decision.
Advice: it’s not just for the perfect
Someone asked, “What if I see someone doing something wrong, like praying with nail polish, but I’m not perfect myself? Should I still say something?”
This feeling is common, but it’s based on a misunderstanding.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
مِنْ حُسْنِ إِسْلَامِ الْمَرْءِ تَرْكُهُ مَا لَا يَعْنِيهِ
“Part of the perfection of a person’s Islam is their leaving that which does not concern them.”
(Sunan al-Tirmidhi)
Some people take this to mean: “It’s not my business.” But that’s not the right attitude when it comes to wrongdoing that is seen or known with certainty.
Even if you’re not perfect, you can still advise others. We are all flawed, but Islam is a religion of sincere advice:
الدِّينُ النَّصِيحَةُ
“Religion is sincere advice.”
(Sahih Muslim)
You don’t need to be harsh. Just be kind. For example:
“Sister, maybe you forgot to wipe over your head during wudu?” or
“Maybe you missed your elbow?”
Give people the benefit of the doubt. Gently correct with wisdom and warmth. This is how good spreads and evil is removed.
Courage to speak out
Whether it’s advising someone in worship or speaking out about major injustices, Muslims must not be a cowardly community. You must assess the situation. If speaking will endanger you or put others at risk, you may hold back. Islam does not ask you to put yourself in harm’s way without cause.
وَلَا تُلْقُوا بِأَيْدِيكُمْ إِلَى التَّهْلُكَةِ
“Do not throw yourselves into destruction with your own hands.”
(Surah al-Baqarah, 2:195)
But if you have the platform, the voice, or the opportunity, then you must speak.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
مَن رَأَى مِنكُم مُنكَرًا فليغيِّرهُ بيَدِهِ، فإن لَم يستطِع فبلسانِهِ، فإن لَم يستطِع فبقلبِهِ، وذلِكَ أضعَفُ الإيمانِ
“Whoever among you sees an evil, let him change it with his hand; if he cannot, then with his tongue; and if he cannot, then with his heart, and that is the weakest of faith.”
(Sahih Muslim)
The cost of truth
There are real consequences to speaking out. One woman in California, a teacher who defended the Palestinian cause, faced harassment, job loss, and now homelessness. She may be sleeping in her car while taking legal action.
Not everyone can bear that cost. Not everyone has the strength to fight institutions alone. That’s why we need to support those who speak the truth. Remember:“Jannah is not free.”
And the higher levels of Jannah are not given without sacrifice. Allah will elevate those who are patient, and who speak the truth even when it’s hard.
Hope, support, and closing reflections
The reality is that in many cases, change doesn’t come from individuals alone, it requires institutions standing up to institutions. But we are not alone in this. Even among non-Muslims, there are many people of integrity, compassion, and conscience who support justice and good causes, often pro bono.
Based on the session delivered to the Convert Club on 12th February 2025
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