How do you deal with an unjust mother or father in Islam?
If your mother or father is unjust, their injustice does not nullify their rights over you. The rights of parents (both the mother or father) over their child are immense. Allah has commanded the child to treat his parents kindly, even if they are polytheists and urge him to associate partners with Allah. Allah says:
“But if they strive to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness.”
(Surah Luqman 31:15)
Imam al-Bukhari dedicated a chapter in his book Al-Adab al-Mufrad titled: “Being Dutiful to Parents Even If They Are Unjust”. Under this chapter, he narrated a report from Ibn ‘Abbas (may Allah be pleased with them both), who said:
“No Muslim who has two Muslim parents, and wakes up each morning seeking Allah’s pleasure through them, except that Allah opens for him two gates of Paradise. If only one parent is alive, then one gate is opened. And if he angers either of them, Allah will not be pleased with him until that parent is pleased with him.”
He was asked: “Even if they are unjust?” He replied: “Even if they are unjust.”
Do not subject yourself to harm
It is an Islamic legal principle that one should not harm or reciprocate harm. Therefore, it is not permissible for a mother or father to wrong or harm their child, and the child is not required to endure severe harm.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
“There should be neither harm nor should harm be reciprocated.” (Ibn Mājah)
If the injustice reaches the level of psychological or physical harm, or involves violation of rights, then you have the right to protect yourself, while maintaining respect and avoiding disobedience (to parents).
Temporary distancing, if it helps reduce tension, is permissible, as long as it is not a complete severing of ties.
Distinguish between obedience and kindness
Many Muslims struggle to differentiate between kindness (birr) and obedience (ta’ah). Scholars clarify that while you are required to be kind and respectful to your parents, you are not obligated to obey them in matters where they command what is sinful, demand injustice, or cause you harm beyond what is reasonable. Even in disagreement, Islam teaches us to remain gentle and dignified.
Allah says:
“And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy…” (Surah al-Isra: 24)
Advise them gently
One of the greatest forms of dutifulness to one’s mother is to strive in advising her, enjoining what is good, forbidding what is evil, and encouraging her to sincerely repent, while being gentle and respectful toward her, and being eager to pray for her guidance.
If you find someone who can advise your mother kindly, such as a relative or one of her close friends, and you hope she will benefit from their advice, then seek their help. Perhaps Allah will bring about goodness through them.
The mother’s right is greater than the father’s
In the two Sahihs (al-Bukhari and Muslim), it is narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that:
A man came to the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) and asked: “O Messenger of Allah, who is most deserving of my good companionship?” He replied: “Your mother.” The man asked: “Then who?” He said: “Your mother.” The man asked again: “Then who?” He said: “Your mother.” The man asked once more: “Then who?” He said: “Your father.”
Possible roots of parental abuse
The reasons behind an abusive parent can be complex and deeply layered. While no excuse can justify harm or injustice, exploring the roots can help us understand and respond with wisdom and compassion, particularly when it comes to healing and breaking harmful cycles. Abuse may manifest in many forms: verbal, emotional, physical, or psychological. Below are some of the underlying causes that can contribute to such behaviour:
- Childhood trauma or abuse
Many abusive parents were once abused themselves. Without proper healing, the pain and dysfunction of their own childhood can be carried into their parenting, often repeating patterns they once resented. The cycle of hurt continues unless it is acknowledged and addressed. - Mental health challenges
Conditions such as depression, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, or unresolved trauma can impair emotional regulation and perception. These struggles may manifest in unpredictable moods, hostility, or emotional detachment, affecting the parent-child relationship in painful ways. - Unresolved anger or chronic frustration
Life stressors, such as financial pressure, marital conflict, or work-related burdens, can lead to pent-up anger. If this frustration is not managed or processed in healthy ways, it may be misdirected towards the most vulnerable members of the household: the children. - Cultural or generational norms
In some cultures or family systems, strict authoritarian parenting or emotional coldness is seen as discipline or strength. This can lead to emotionally neglectful or even verbally aggressive environments that are justified as “normal” or “how we were raised.” But tradition should never override justice, compassion, or the rights of children in Islam. - Personality and control issues
Some parents, especially those with narcissistic tendencies, may seek control, admiration, or emotional dependence from their children. When that need isn’t met, they may respond with manipulation, blame, or cruelty. Their parenting is not driven by the child’s needs, but by their own emotional voids. - Projection and self-hate
Sometimes, the anger a parent shows toward their child is actually rooted in how they feel about themselves. They may project their own feelings of failure, inadequacy, or shame onto their child, especially if the child reflects aspects of themselves they dislike or envy.
Every situation is different, and some causes are more subtle or hidden than others. None of these reasons excuse abuse, but they do remind us that healing requires more than just stopping the harm, it demands deep introspection, support, and often spiritual and emotional rehabilitation.
Make du‘a for them
One of the most powerful things you can do, especially when feeling helpless, is to make sincere du‘a for your parents. Even when they are unjust, praying for their guidance softens your own heart and entrusts their matter to Allah, who has the power to change hearts. Your du‘a is not a reflection of their behaviour, but a reflection of your character.
“And say: ‘My Lord, have mercy on them as they raised me when I was small.’” (Surah al-Isra: 24)
Even if they fliled in that duty, turning to Allah with du‘a is an act of spiritual maturity.
Acknowledge the emotional toll
Sometimes, dealing with an unjust parent doesn’t just hurt in the moment, it affects your self-worth, your relationship with Allah, and your ability to form healthy relationships later in life. Islam teaches us balance: honouring our parents without tolerating harm, and seeking healing while maintaining principles.
Seek support and healing
Islam encourages us to seek the means of healing, whether physical, emotional, or spiritual. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:
“Make use of medical treatment, for Allah has not made a disease without appointing a remedy for it.” (Abu Dawood)
Emotional and psychological wounds are real. Seeking counselling or support (preferably from a Muslim counsellor) is not a sign of weakness, it is a step towards growth and wholeness.
Know that justice belongs to Allah
Some children spend their whole lives waiting for an apology or recognition from a parent that never comes. Islam reminds us that ultimate justice belongs to Allah. Nothing is hidden from Him, and no act of patience goes unrewarded.
Allah says:
“So be patient. Indeed, the promise of Allah is truth…” (Surah Ar-Rum: 60)
Real-life examples from the Quran
Prophet Ibrahim (peace be upon him) dealt with a disbelieving father who rejected him harshly. Yet Ibrahim (peace be upon him) remained respectful and gentle in his da’wah. Even while his father was threatening torture and abuse and to have his son killed, Allah recorded his beautiful response in the Quran, when he says,
“Peace be upon you. I will ask forgiveness for you from my Lord…” (Surah Maryam, 19:42–47)
When his father became threatening, Ibrahim (peace be upon him) distanced himself without being abusive.
The danger of internalising blame
Children of unjust or emotionally abusive parents often internalise blame, thinking “I must be the problem.” If you grew up feeling unwanted, unheard, or unloved, it is not a reflection of your worth. Many unjust parents project their pain or flaws onto their children. Islam does not blame you for the actions of others. Your value is defined by your taqwa and sincerity with Allah, not by how others treat you.
Why me?
Some people ask, “Why did Allah give me such parents?” This can lead to resentment or spiritual confusion. Everything in life is part of Allah’s divine decree, including the families we are born into. This does not mean what they did was right; it means there is wisdom in your test. Allah may use your pain to bring you closer to Him, to make you a source of strength for others, or to teach you resilience, empathy, and leadership.
“Perhaps you hate something while it is good for you…” (Surah al-Baqarah: 216)
When you become the carer of an unjust parent
Some children grow up and become responsible for caring for the very parent who harmed them. This brings new emotional challenges. Islamically, you are still encouraged to show kindness and not abandon your parent in old age, but that does not mean tolerating emotional manipulation or ongoing harm. If you are the carer of an abusive parent, set healthy boundaries, involve others in their care where needed, and keep your intention for Allah. Your ihsan (excellence) is rewarded, even when it is not appreciated by them.
When one parent is silent in the face of the other’s injustice
Often, one parent is the source of injustice, while the other remains silent, enabling it. This silence can feel like betrayal. Silence in the face of injustice is not neutrality, it often causes just as much harm. If you’re struggling with a parent who watched but never intervened, it’s valid to grieve that absence. Islam places responsibility on all individuals to uphold justice, even within the family. But try not to let their silence become a reason for bitterness.
Sibling injustice and parents taking sides
Sibling rivalry is common, but in some families, parents actively take sides, leading to permanent rifts. Islam prohibits unjust favouritism. Even gifts must be distributed equally. If you have been treated unequally, it’s natural to feel hurt, but try to manage your feelings in a way that doesn’t make you unjust in return. If you’re a parent, be vigilant not to repeat this behaviour. Children notice who gets more affection, praise, and freedom, and those memories stay with them for life.
What if the parent seeks forgiveness?
Sometimes, later in life, a parent may express regret or ask forgiveness. This can be confusing for the child. If your parent sincerely apologises, it is a blessing. Islam encourages forgiveness, but it does not demand immediate reconciliation or denial of your pain. Forgiving does not always mean resuming the same closeness as before. You are allowed to forgive while keeping boundaries.
When a parent treats the child as a substitute spouse or therapist
In some families, especially where there is marital breakdown, emotional neglect, or conflict, one parent may begin to lean on their child in unhealthy ways. They may use the child as their emotional support system, vent to them about the other parent, or burden them with adult problems the child is not equipped to handle. This is not just unfair, it is a form of emotional harm.
1. This is not your role
You are not responsible for your parents’ marriage. You are not your mother’s therapist or your father’s emotional crutch. You are not meant to carry their anger, heartbreak, or disappointment. Islamically, the parent-child relationship is one of responsibility and protection, not reversal. Children are meant to be nurtured, not used to meet the emotional or social needs of the parent.
2. This causes silent damage
Children in this situation may:
- Feel guilty for wanting space or independence.
- Learn to ignore their own needs to care for others.
- Grow up with blurred boundaries in relationships.
- Struggle with anxiety, people-pleasing, or resentment.
These outcomes are not the child’s fault; they are the result of emotional role confusion, where the child was forced to grow up too soon.
3. You are allowed to step back
In Islam, kindness does not mean becoming emotionally consumed. You can listen to a parent respectfully without absorbing their pain. You can express sympathy without becoming their counsellor. You can gently redirect conversations, or suggest they seek help from a trusted adult, scholar, or professional. You are not sinful for feeling overwhelmed. You are not ungrateful for needing boundaries.
4. Make sense of your experience through du‘a and self-care
You can express your needs to Allah, say: “O Allah, I was given responsibilities that were not mine to carry. Help me let them go. Guide my parents, protect my heart, and give me wisdom in this role. Help me honour them without harming myself.”
When parents cause division between siblings
This is a common form of injustice in many families, and can last well into adulthood. Some parents favour one child over others, or sow discord between siblings, intentionally or unintentionally. Islam strongly forbids favouritism and injustice among children. The Prophet ﷺ rejected a gift given to only one child, saying: “Do you want all your children to honour you equally?” (Ahmad)
If you’re on the receiving end of this, remember that Allah is Al-‘Adl, the Most Just. Your patience and integrity are seen by Him, even when family members turn against you.
Sometimes people end up either:
- cutting parents off completely over minor issues,
- or enduring serious harm thinking that’s religiously required.
Islam does not call us to be doormats, nor to become bitter and resentful. It calls us to be principled, patient, and balanced. Where possible, keep the connection, but where harm outweighs benefit, distance may be necessary. The goal is always dignity – yours and theirs.
Break the cycle of parental injustice
Being the child of an unjust parent is a heavy trial. But what’s heavier is unknowingly carrying that behaviour into your own relationships. One of the greatest achievements you can aim for is to end the cycle, not pass it on.
Study the way the Prophet ﷺ interacted with children. He was full of gentleness, playfulness, and praise. He never mocked or belittled. He corrected with kindness, encouraged with love, and led by example: he carried his grandchildren on his back. He stood up for a child’s bird that had died. He never hit a child, servant, or woman in his life. This is your model, not what you grew up with, but what Allah gave you through the Prophet ﷺ.
You are not responsible for your parents’ choices, but you are responsible for the legacy you leave behind. Whether you are a parent, an older sibling, an aunt/uncle, or future parent, your character does impact others. Make a conscious decision not to parent from a place of control, fear, or unhealed emotion.
Many quietly carry the pain of unjust parents. But you have the chance to be different. What your parents failed to give you – gentleness, praise, emotional safety, you can give to others. And in that, you are following the sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ.
Difficulties with non-Muslim parents
For converts to Islam, the relationship with their parents can often become strained, especially if the parents do not understand or accept their child’s new faith. Despite the challenges, Islam emphasises the importance of maintaining respect, kindness, and good conduct towards one’s parents. However, this does not extend to obeying them in matters that contradict the teachings of Islam. A convert must strike a balance, firm in their commitment to Allah, yet gentle and dutiful in how they treat their family. Maintaining ties and showing good character is not only an obligation but also a means through which hearts may soften, and guidance may reach those who once opposed the truth.
Du’a for the wounded child inside you
If no one ever protected you, may Allah be your Protector.
If no one ever praised you, may Allah honour you among His angels.
If you were made to feel small or unworthy, may Allah elevate you with His mercy.
You are seen, loved, and valued by the One who knows all hidden things.
Ya Allah, heal the parts of me shaped by injustice. Replace pain with peace. Ameen.
And Allah knows best.